Friday, June 24, 2005

On Head Shrinking

Some hobbies are really easy. Like, watching T.V., bungee jumping, arbitrary rock collecting and staring at the wall.

Others require a bit more skill, like scuba diving, finger painting, jump roping and patchwork quilt making.

Then, you have the hobbies that require quite a lot of adroitness indeed. Like under-water origami, haiku writing in a headstand position, part-time Quantum Physics in the bath tub of Newton's 'Love Hotel', and doing your taxes
in the dark
with a zebra balanced on your head.

Yeah, those are pass-times that would certainly give you a deep respect for Sisyphus and his stubborn stone.

But, I have to say that the MOST difficult (as well as utterly heinous and time-consuming) hobby would have to be
Head shrinking.

I mean, let's think about this…
(Warning: this is not for the faint of dark humour)

First, you have to acquire a head. Preferably from one of your arch-foes.

Then, you have to slit open the head and carefully peel the dermal husk from it to be saved.

Then, you have to coordinate a meeting with the Spirit of the Anaconda in the river to arrange a sacrifice of skull and sticky brains. (this task can be particularly hard, as the spirit of the anaconda has quite a busy schedule)

Next, you have to get yourself some chinchipi plant juice (maybe it's just me, but I can't find it in any of the local supermarkets).

Then boil with water for a few hours.

After that, simply throw the head in and watch it shrink. (Parental Supervision Advised)

And finally, it's a mere matter of shaking the head filled with heated stones for about a week, sewing three bamboo pegs in its mouth and charcoal painting its face so the spirit can't come back and drop in, uninvited to dinner parties.

And, voila! You've shrunk a head!

Now, display it on a sharp fence pole.

And, there you have it. My Top Pick for Difficult-Hobbies-you-hope-your-child-will-never-try.

(Sidenote: When I have a child, I think I'll give him a stack of origami paper, some paints, a scuba get-up and ask him to contemplate balancing a zebra on his head in the Space-Time contiunum. Yeah, I know. Some people just shouldn't have kids.)


Rabin said...

FUNNY! :-)

I think I would settle for doing my taxes in the dark with a zebra balanced on my head! I can even see me doing this!!

Loved this post!!

bertissimo said...

who should cook the fava beans?

frustratedwriter said...

I personally wouldn't recommend the balancing of the zebra on your head in the dark while doing your taxes. They tend to be vicious beasts who enjoy such games as "Pull my hoof" and "Let's write our name on the tax form using good ol' zebra urine." Both are unpleasant and make the whole tax experience even more unenjoyable.

-c said...

haha! I'd love to meet the kid who processed the tax form covered in zebra piss! ("We could send the audit malitia on this one, but on second thought, just throw it somewhere we can't smell it!")