Sunday, October 29, 2006

Diamond Voyeurs find Puff

Here I am, peering in through -c's window. A peeping Tom, if you will… Lady Godiva’s reincarnated voyeur…

Her boyfriend (-c’s, that is, not Lady Godiva’s) is out, working at the Bodies Exhibit.

She has no T.V.

Her stereo is turned off.

And, she is…, Oh My Lord!...

She is fixing a cup of tea.

And, now, sweet Madre de Maria!, she is solving for the slope of two given graph points on the back of a Trader Joe’s receipt!

(The absolutely heinous and shocking obscenity of it all!)

Wait!—now she has discarded her tired receipt and is scribbling lesson plan notes on post-its inside an ESL textbook!

(What crude and immodest acts of disgust!)

And… hold on… could it be??!!

She is googling something…

I can’t exactly make out what she has typed in…., but I can see that it has something to do with swollen eyelids, past-continuous conversational topics and WIRED magazine subscriptions…

Oh well…, no nude, dish-washing going on here…

Time to move on to the next window…

(If you only knew how many duds we voyeurs come across in search of gems!)

Friday, October 27, 2006

One Way (USA WAY) or Another...

Break out the bubbly, put on a skanky dress, ready your dancing shoes—there’s gonna be a party!

In a few days I’ll celebrate my one year and two month anniversary of living back in the US of A after quite a few years of travel affairs and global male mistresses!

My partner (the US of A) and I are absolutely thrilled!

Honestly…, neither of us really thought it would last this long…

He was sure I would run off with the first intriguing, dimwit foreign Country I met who offered promises of excitement and wonder…

And, I was sure he’d bore me to exile with his predictable desires, monotonous stories, and apathy towards his own dimwit cranial Administrations…

But…, we both surprised each other, and are still happily honey-mooning in development-inspiring exploration and quest-questioning passion (…despite his lack of critical attention to his dimwit cranial administration…)!

So…, raise a glass!, put on a punny Halloween costume!, slash an over-handed smile at someone unexpected!, and wish me a happy current life with the US of A!

After all…, anniversaries celebrate the most un-expected and primordially exciting, entertainingly beguiling, and symbolically soul-salt-licking situations of all occasions…!

(...PLUS, they give you reigns to wear pom-poms on your head, paint on your knees, obscure bandanas around your joints, eye-patches on your ears, fangs in your nose and shower curtains 'round your ankles when you feel like dressing up!!)

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Erecting Baz

I actually sat down to write about Baz.

(He’s the old man I talk to every morning at the bus stop who’s got a story for every beer and a Whiskey for every myth…)

He’s got enough unintentional defecation anecdotes to burry a Golden Shower Fantasizer, and can sing the original lyrics to “She’ll be cummin’ ‘round the brown mountain when she comes…”

But…, unfortunately my creative muse has begun whinging about our possible dives into fecal matter and memory loss, and has staged a sit-in.

So..., what I’m left with are controversial and entertaining bits of real news (the homosexual penguin exhibit in Norway, Allegations of the Spanish King shooting a piss-drunk bear, Seattle’s new Metro-sexual invoking Slogan, silliness supporting/opposing my long-standing love of Ali G’s character: Borat, and frustrated remnants from a sunny day of studying for the Washington Teacher Skills Test)….

So, I’ll just complain about the studying…

Samuel is 2 inches taller than Rudy and Rudy loves dick. James does not love dick but he can white-wash a wall in four hours. Rudy is ¾ of an inch taller than James when he is white-washing but shrinks to ¼ of Samuel’s size when he is painting a window sill. Samuel can white-wash a wall in half an hour if no one else’s height exceeds Samuel’s minimum length. James is 1 inch taller than Samuel when he is not white-washing, but gains 2% of his ordinary white-washing length when he touches brush-stroked sill. If James ordinarily operates at 5/17 the same length and painting speed as Samuel, how long will it take James to paint a window sill alone, and how tall will Rudy be?

I swear, these are the type of questions they are asking a potential teacher here in Washington state…

Somehow, I think the skills I learned in high school, along with the observations, could come in handy just about now….

Monday, October 09, 2006

Of Fatred and freed Dryer sheets

My friend told me it was meant to be; it was Destiny.

I mean, yeah, OK, I’d go on a date with him any day… But…, destiny?

I’d hold his hand while staring into his cosmic eyes, and we’d navigate the uncomfortable silences with talk of today and tomorrow; of hermit crabs and honeydew, radishes and Rohipnol, and of sand dollars and salami….

Yup…, if I could choose anyone to go on a blind date with, it would definitely be this hunk. He’s got everything a girl could want: confidence, creativity, power, humility, sensitivity and girth… And, to top it off, he’s got the best sense of humour of anyone you’ll ever meet!

Yeah, he’s got it all (… and a beautifully comedic lack of explanation for any of it).

So, who is this exciting and spontaneous blind date candidate of my moist dreams?

Well..,, as I’ve never worried about over-using fondue clichés here before…, I’ll just go ahead and tell you…:

He’s (and here’s where we dip our skewered clichés in fondue cheese together…):

The Universe, The Genetically-altered Jellyfish, and Everything.

And it’s because of the daily prospects for a blind date with this romance-improvising catch that I can confidently refute my friends’ claims of “fate” and “destiny” as explanations for the strange things that happen in our lives.

After all, the blind date of MY fantasies has no plans. He might surprise me by wearing a a flowered MooMoo with baby bonnet to meet my parents one day, and sport a $1000 pin-striped suit with matching ballet slippers and tentacle-protectors to the laundromat the next.

But, he certainly doesn’t care much who I haphazardly meet, or what serendipitous opportunities arise from random encounters…

BUT…, on the other hand…, blind dates aren’t always meant to be...,

and I do sometimes feel like there is something incredibly magical going on in the world to make things fall, Paulo Coehlo-style, into unjustified puzzle piece place (“…as if the universe were conspiring to make it so…”).

I mean, how else could you explain arriving at the laundry machines at exactly the moment your washing and drying simultaneously finish and a Russian neighbor catapults the door open with dirty socks flying, dryer sheets fluttering in the sunset dusk, and the lost black cat appearing after a week-long absence??

Or, when your best friend from NY visits for the weekend, and the planets align to allow Dylan parodies, art openings, wilting inflatable mattresses, Trader Joe’s wine bottle line-ups and finger-scooped brie to become fantastic, laughter-filled memories…?

Or when journalism-aspiring immigration workers meet children’s book illustrators/musical geniuses and esl-teaching/obscure blog-post hobbyists for bouts of ferry trips, tide-trapping beach hikes, and acapella renditions of “I love little baby ducks, small pick-up trucks, ….and onions!” …??

So, here’s to blind dates that show up when least expected!
To the chaotic beauty of existence, and to the three Norse Norns whose watering buckets might still accidentally spill on our porch weeds when we’re busy worrying about the bandit orangutang raping our kittens!
And to Columbus (who did some sailing and, by some arbitrary advertising scheme of fate, got me the day off of work today), to old friends in new places, bold charades in old faces, Thai food buffets, blackberry bushes going into dormancy, morning Mimosas, egg and swiss on bagels, the NY Times, little baby ducks, birds of the world,

…and squirrels.

*P.s. for those who don’t know the brilliant, poetic lyrics that manage to rhyme “birds of the world” with “squirrel” and “onion” with “tomatoes on the vine” and “kisses from a child”, have a re’listen to this song. It’s fantastic! The giggles it invokes should definitely make it well worth the time!

Sunday, October 01, 2006

And then, Nanobot created Cover Letters

So, you're sitting on the deck, inhaling sun, slurpin' down heat for the winter, imagining the day when nanobots rule your body and autonomously administer nutrients and anecdotal stories via wireless networking systems…

What do you think you’re doing?!

You’re supposed to be critiquing and perfecting your students’ internship cover letters!

(…granted, this is slightly hilarious, considering that the cover letter that won you your current position reads like a bumbling Hunter S, Thompson correspondence penned under bath-water bubbles…)

But, really, what are you doing?? Who do you think you are, relaxing on a Sunday afternoon, reading Ray Kurzweil’s recently published book, imagining a future of technologically progressive humans who defy current, biologically-defined needs…??

…when, CLEARLY, there are more pressing matters at hand, such as the reworking of cover letter sentences like:

“I developed up-to-the-minute capabilities of helping foreign people in customers with individual hard work and motivation as if they was Japanese speakers.”


“My enthusiastic try my best motivation is my most high motivation and important to me.”

It’s obvious you have to get it together!! Get off the Sunday sunlight kick, away from the speculative scientific reads, and back to the cover letters!

So, get to it! Stop reading and sun-bathing! Get to writing a brilliant cover letter!


Dear Sirs,

I’m writing in regards to the internships available at you hotel. I think my experience in customer service, English language ability and my love of pleasing others in a multitude of ways will prove to be great contributions to your company.
I’ve served many a foreign guest, in the most needy of times. I can adapt to unique customer desires and am willing to serve your clients in whatever unconventional areas they propose.
I believe the skills mentioned above prove that I would be a great asset to your business. Please contact me to discuss how I can further please you.
Eager Intern Applicant with big-mouth Smile

So…, how about that for a friendly, functional cover letter?

Can I go back to reading science-fiction-echoing, techno, bio-chemical-based predictions of the human race now...?