Monday, February 27, 2006

Olympic Occasions and Evasions

So, I wasn't a very dedicated fan of this year's Winter Olympics…. In fact, I kind of feel like I let down half of the citizens of Italy with my pathetic Petri-dish support (“Eh Georgio! Canna you believa we hadda one less aviewer of California thisa year!? Don't tella momma-- she will cry this year's awine harvest into molto big salty puddle!”)

I DID tune in, however, to watch the little cutie snowboarder, Sean White propel himself just two and a half feet short of orbit. (I guess when you're 19 years old, it's way cooler to rebel against physics than get a lip-piercing these days…).
I also caught a few moments of the “(insert random string of numbers) meter, elliptical-track, ice-skating race”. I quite enjoyed the intellectual stimulation this event brought me. I spent the whole time mentally calculating the precise ratios of the competitors' body weight distributions. (Now, if that Swiss dude were an ant, could he carry 40 times or only 10 times his weight in lower calves??)
Plus, I did get a few minutes in watching the off-the-ice reality show between those artsy, figure-skating “dancing” couples. I didn't much care for the event itself, but I was truly applauding and yelling my approval at the television when the couples stepped off the ice. They gave each other the iciest cold shoulders and subtle butt-flicks that screamed “I can't believe you dropped me in front of all those people on the greatest night of my life!” and “Well… if you weren't such a fat-ass!...”)

Other than that, I didn't get much more viewing. But, my brother and I DID managed to watch a few moments of the closing ceremony… (To be honest, we had no idea what was going on…)

Brother: OK, I think that opera singer's vibrato represents patriotism and international sportsmanship.
-c: Yeah, but what are those Canadians doing out there, stacking up giant sugar cubes in white robes?
Brother: I don't know… An amalgamatic rendition of The Blue Man Troupe does toddler Avont-guardianism….?
-c: …Plus Avril Lavign for color…? And those women in wedding dresses…? Clearly, symbols of purity and the inherent global trend towards ball-and-chain-ism, right?
Brother: …got me….
-c: Yeah, me too… What else is on?

Aesop probably has a little fable to illustrate the moral here, though I'm not sure what is… But I think he'd put it something like this: It's easy to criticize and poke fun at what you, yourself cannot do.

Afterall, I can't carry even twice my body weight in baby cows, and my feet are certainly too big to borrow Avril's high heels….

Thursday, February 23, 2006


I'm about to admit what any dignified blogger should never admit. (Hate me if you will, but….) The truth is that I don't actually read many blogs.

And, on top of this sad blog-deprivation disease I suffer from, I also have a benign cancer that renders me too lazy to list my favorite crème de blog links on my page…

So, to make up for it, here are the few and wonderful blogs that I DO read in no particular order:

Meandering Musings Muster Madness (Texas) A brilliant sense of humour, an always-inspiring creativity, an altruistic determination, and provides a warm and embracing feeling of family and a never-ending game of wit and cleverness.

PureLand Mountain Excellent prose, witty insights about life in Japan, and spot-on, humour-tinted observations about life, nature and everything.

Leprechaun Soup - (Japan) well-written and engaging thoughts from… well, let's just say he's a special and inspiring someone coming home soon…

Random_Speak (Tampa bay, FL) This woman is hilarious! An incredible writer, artist and, I suspect, human being. She cracks me up with her sardonic humour, Onion-esque articles, and her uniquely honest take on the world.

On Gaien Higashi Dori (Japan) An amazing Irish writer who grabs me with his love of nature and the outdoors, incredible photographs and responses to the media at large. (if you're into futbol, or soccer, he's got something for you too!)

Felix's Daily starfish and waffles - Felix (Canada) provides the finest simulated online reality episodes as well as superb cocktail recipes, excellent photographs from travels around the world, and fun musings

Life and other such events (Chennai, India)- Fun anecdotes, stories and thoughts from a banker/thinker/humanist/philosopher in India

Notes from the 'nog - (Japan) Superb writing, thoughts, observations, musings and haikus from a friend and long-time resident guru of my Japanese hometown, “The 'Nog” (also, a great source of good reading material and music!)

Circus freaks in training - (Japan) The entertaining thoughts and experiences of my Canadian sister who lives, breathes and walks the walk of our corner of the rising sun set land. (In person, she can be even more sarcastic and biting than me, if you can believe it!)

The Logic of the silent Cascade - (Boston) A recent addition to the blogosphere, he's an old soul, an old friend and an articulately descriptive ponderer of the universe. (More J.H. for everyone!)

Tokyo Damage Report - Hilarious with a sense of humour and irony to beat all others. He just moved back to the states from Tokyo, so I can only look forward to what lies in store…

anchored nomad Another hilarious liver-of-life, with an enticingly fun and worldly view of everything!

the long division - Another daily-life blogger who cracks me up.

Well, there are more but I fear losing crucial cranial globules (c'mon! they're those all important squigly, tubular things in the brain!) if I cut-and-paste another thing...

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Bigger than a toothpick

What's bigger than a breadbox and smaller than a giraffe wearing prayer flags, a menorah and stigmata piercings through its hooves?
What's warmer than a refrigerated avocado but colder than a draft beer?
What's smarter than an x-box but stupider than a stone?
What's more mobile than a doorknob but less limber than a jellyfish?
What's more inquisitive than an armchair philosopher but less apt to retain the answers than a politician?
What's more alive than a supernova but just as dead as its sister?
What's bundled up in four layers of cotton, fleece and down and still shivering in the sun?

Why, it's ME, of course!, sitting on the shore of Lake Tahoe in the snow, trying to post something to my blog. There are two feet of snow-less pebble beach upon which I sit, but everywhere else is covered in a majestic blanket of new powder (I hear God has his house-keepers on their way to do some vacuuming, but St. Maria called in with laryngitis and St. Carmelita de la Virgen had to pick up her kids from iPod practice...).
The air is crisp, the water calm, and all that I hear is the melting and falling of snow from the pine branches… (well, that, and the loud wailing of my MAC: “Mommy, why are you doing this to me?! I showed you everything I hid from you a few days ago… why must I freeze like this? Remember those documents you thought you lost last year…? Well… get me a hot chocolate and feed my battery, and I can assure their safety for you!)

No but, really… I'd say chilly lakeside solitude is a highly, under-appreciated yet entirely necessary element when it comes to human happiness. (…but, then again, this comes from someone who finds ecstasy in finding a-symmetrically-patterned bird dung on the sidewalk….). But… I'd certainly go so far as to say that the POTENTIAL for glimpses of happiness in sitting by a cold lake in the snow is definitely larger than a breadbox and smaller than a 35.9 katrillion dollar winning Lotto card.

Man... it's beautiful...!

Friday, February 17, 2006

Ring-a-ling, Sting-my-bling

I've been back in the states from Japan for many a month now, and still haven't gotten a cell phone...

Maybe it's that I'm fearful of commitment.
Maybe it's that I'm just plain simple.
Or, maybe it's that I haven't been enticed by the right ring tone yet...

Because, really.... I'm a sucker for sound.

Give me a nice police siren sound as a ring tone with my "homies". Hit me with a bird-call ringer when my hiking peeps are feeling the natural silence. And, ring a fucked-up drumming bridge when chillers from the band are perfecting rhythmic continuity...

Then, maybe, just maybe....
I'll get a cell phone.

But, until then, I'm northward bound for a few days.
I'm catching a U-Haul truck with my father to bring Belgian furniture to my brother up in Oakland, Then, we'll see... Maybe I'll find the right ring tone there (I hear those San Francisco hippies have a lot of absurd sounds up their sleeves), and maybe I'll even sneak a blog post in between ring tone auditions...

Anyway... be back soon with cacophony for the circumspect cell phone owner!

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Pucks and Dunks

Jack Nicholson's eyes were suavely angled towards the Laker's scoreboard four rows in front of me, and the team's sweat was potable. Filet mignon, fine wine, fun company and an excellent King's come-back tickled my dizzy excitement... How did I get so lucky??...

Rather than plead the fifth, I guess I'll just come clean...

I had to do a few favors, if you know what I mean... (namely, for a donkey and four acne-excited horses).
... Hey, I can't be the ONLY one willing to try new things for tickets to a few professional sports games...

No-- c'mon! Here's what really happened:

A good friend of mine took me to see my second-ever LIVE hockey game (LA vs. Chicago- The Kings came back in OT after a seven-game losing streak! Yeah!)

We were then treated to go out and eat at a high-class, $35 a plate restaurant where we tried to converse in multiple languages and play "How many eyebrows can you raise with inappropriate antics?"

We chatted about world destinations, snowflake types, unconventional parking lot motifs, and finally invented a spilt-wine coverup story that involved the accidental collision of innocent dining pedestrians, blinded by the luminescence of a fallen fork.

We were then generously bought tickets for the Lakers basketball game, and ended up sitting court-side and cheering...

And... well... I never thought I'd say this more than once... but I think I'm really getting a crush on watching live professional sports.

... but, please scar and leather me if I ever start tossing around names of famous athletes (or if I ever learn their significant others' hobbies and pass-times...)

After all,
Pucks are for fucks,
Dunks are for monks,
And, Sports
are for those in
tight, lycra shor--

(*p.s.- I made up the horses, but... well... let's just say that some donkeys can be more charming than you'd think... especially when they put on a tuxedo and dot their thick, firm neck with cologne...)

Friday, February 10, 2006

Unlawful En-peachment

So, here in the states, there's been a lot of talk about government spying, bird droppings on eaves, and targeting of individuals who use coded "terrorist phrases" in their e-mails (like "protection of Uncle Bill's amendments to his pre-nuptual," "the Paparrazi dive under Paris Hilton's sheets again," and "the eagle has landed, and the Administration is out scuba-diving with imported parrots")...

Now, I don't really want to get into this, but I WILL state the one conviction of mine that I feel very strongly about, and that is:

My privates should be kept out of the public sector!

And, I don't think I'm being too extreme or close-minded on this one either... Afterall, my privates are my special, sacred places! Even my grandma (God/Allah/Winged Platypus, rest her soul!) told me, "Always keep 'em clean and keep 'em safe!"

And... I just can't argue with my grandma.
No one touches or plays with my privates without permission, and no one has the right to fire me from my job, en-peach me (the act of exiling a person to the center of a Giant Peach- What?! Did you think James was all that sexually innocent?) for my privates' recreational habits..., AND, it is absolutely inexcusable to put my privates' profiles in a 'Possible Terrorist Threat' folder just because they are (--even if I DO say so myself--) of exceptionally high ogling-quality!

And that's that. I'm pretty firm on this one... just as I am on my belief in the Separation of Church and Slate-mining, and Toothpaste and Orange juice...

And yet... I can't help but want to share my personal life excitements with my blogging buddies in the public sphere... So, to celebrate the hideous hypocrite within all of us, I now reveal today's ecstatic, fourth amendment-protected sentiments...:

I just got the BEST Valentines card in my mailbox I have ever received, and I can't stop smiling! (Now, understand that I hate the holiday, and would rather suck salmon eyeballs through a straw than entertain the Hallmark Day's silliness...but...)

Nothing beats a hand-made card packed with musings, drawings and sincerity from someone you miss.

(...well... except maybe a snow leopard singing karaoke from the middle of a pile of hot, naked surfers covered in complimentary colored paint, pious poetry, and freshly-fallen powder....- but that's to be saved for the 'Private Sphere of Fantasy and Pornography'--- Coming soon to a Blog near you!)

Monday, February 06, 2006

Cantaloupe Cascade

Over the river, through the woods, and just north of the yoga mats and fruit smoothie trees in the strawberry fields, there's a little trailhead guarded by a wooden box housing informational brochures about life, the universe, and the governing properties of existence.
For a small donation, you can grab a brochure and a long-armed Pogo pygmaeus (an orangutang) to walk hand-in-hand with you along the spongy path to the Cantaloupe Cascade...
('s quite a vision indeed... trickling melons... the spray of sticky orange goop on your face... the occasional white seed of eternal youth..--Lonely Planet rated this waterfall the most magical, untouched location on Earth... that was..., until they published its coordinates in their "Off-the-beaten-track, Utopian Destinations for just-out-of-college-gonna-travel-and-see-the-world-for-six-months, Life Meaning-Searchers" section, and its babbling brook began to whisper fraternity phrases and offer complimentary cantaloupe bong hits--...)

Anyway, though, tourist-tainted beauty and recreational melon use aside... Have a look at the brochure, and you'll find a few important secrets about the chaos-governed universe and the greed-groped human state.

Now..., I only know this from a seventh-hand source..., but I hear this Cantaloupe Cascade Brochure has some pretty crazy and insightful ideas to offer. For example, it states that:

*Eggs wobbling right before an earthquake can upset the molecular structure of sea horse cells on the opposite side of the globe and turn the buggers homosexual...

*... spaghetti that sticks to the wall after having been raised and boiled to techno music is 53% more likely to fall when the song changes (compared to 57% of Country/Western-raised pasta who opt to cling to the vertical paint until well into a song's first chorus)...

*... human beings are Imperfect, and sometimes stop to ogle the nutritional ingredients on Capt'n Crunch cereal boxes, whereas wheat sprouts do not.

*... nature vs. nurture discussions are best saved for those with appropriate professional qualifications (like Jerry Springer's producers, dudes who pawn uteruses for flat-screen T.V.s, and protozoan-american schooll teachers).

*... and, there is a universal, inherent buttered-toast truth that states that (despite Murphy's insecurity issues), bread should go ahead and fall on the floor however it damn well pleases!... Butter-side Up, Down, Sideways, Leaning or with a few fit strips of bacon licking its crusts!

I'm telling you...! I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who... who, well, knew someone who'd read the brochure and hiked the Cantaloupe Cascade trail.

I wouldn't make this stuff up, people!

Saturday, February 04, 2006


For the first time ever, I just deleted a previously-published post.

I had to give the boot to "The Aristocrats",
because it was just too inappropriately disgusting and offensive
...even for me!

I know, I know... Lucifer is shivering...