Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Hairy Hissmas! Where should I fly?

A Merry Pagan Solstice Celebration to All!

…er…, I mean, a Happy, joyous Seasons Greetings to Everyone!

Whatever you want to call it.…, we celebrated this Christmas with bits of our neighbor’s pine tree (silver-showered in rain) decorating our place, red drippy candles (the blood of Cross-bearers roars strong!) lighting our smiles, stockings that looked like Express-Mail packages from mom (nuts and rice-crispy treats died for our sins!), Christmas Carols that Mister E. improvised on the guitar, drum and rock-star-esque vocal kazoo (“Grandma got run-over by a reindeer!”), and a few sacrificed lamb-like children (don’t worry—they wanted to taste fire!)…

Quite marvelous (and tasty!), indeed!

Now…, all that’s left in my feeling completely fulfilled for the holiday season is for me to choose a destination for my next pagan vacation coming in a few weeks…

I’m thinking Costa Rica or Panama because they have special, Frequent Sacrificer Deals from LAX and OAK…,

Honduras, on the other hand, has got vampire divers, Belize has multi-lingual mongrels, and Caracas has college friends to welcome me…

…but any suggestions (or offers of already-plucked/sheared sacrifices) would be greeted with open tongs and warmed charcoal…


Wednesday, December 20, 2006

High Voltage Translated

The adult ESL students today all looked like zombies.

Some had cavernous, pitchy carvings under their eyes.

Others had face blemishes and actual, real human skin in places where caked foundation and carpet-thick blush usually resided…

Some wore PayLess sneakers in place of high heels, and jeans instead of tight lycra-esque wristbands around their waists.

It was a strange day, indeed.

I thought a reality TV show slash cross-culture-dressing, Twighlight Zone emissary had descended in the night and possessed, redressed and re-made my Past Perfect Continuous-learning disciples.

It was either that, I thought, or they had all gotten happy-hour hammered the night before and were still recovering from the cheap shots of sleazy American culture and first-time, salt-tequilla-lemon-slice pick-up lines of the local fauna.

But, as it turned out…, my suspicions were unfounded.

The Saudi Arabian woman was just up all night because her baby was sick. The Taiwanese man was just overly perplexed about the psychological intricacies of homophobia in different cultures, and dying for discussion. The Spanish man had just spent the past 53 hours drinking coffee and painting in preparation for his next exhibit. The Korean man was just stressed about packing and buying souvenirs for his trip home in two days. The Peruvian woman was just ill from food-poisoning. And, the Japanese girls all simply had a group feeling of “low-voltage/ discontentment,” as they called it…

“Low voltage?” I inquired.

“Yes, Low Voltage, Low Tension” they responded (if not in verbal unison, then at least in vocal intention).

“Oh, you mean you are not feeling very energetic or excited today?” I guessed (mentally translating Japanese English to Comprehensible English).

“Yes, that’s right. We are feeling low voltage today.”

“Meaning… uh… that if I touch you now, I will not instantaneously become a fried, electrocution-flavored human corpse?”

“That’s right,” they repeated, completely baffled: “Low Tension.”

And, so it was that today I learned to associate “Low voltage” with the wearing of sweat pants and the absence of face make-up.

It’s quite astounding, really, the worldly insights and intrinsic bits of universal knowledge that we would all be deprived of were it not for quality Cross-Cultural Education.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Laziness Begets Winning Google Searches that behave like Splog Without the Ads

Ok. It’s time to fess up.

I’m a pathetic, slacking blogger these days.

I admit it.

The last time I tried to post, I went to edit my silly words and lost them all to the Ether’s Ministry of Editing (which is no small feat, as the Ether’s editors couldn’t really give a spotted owl’s stool what parades naked with genital Big Mac acne around Blogspot…).

But, anyway, excuses aside, I’ve got to post something...

So, I’ll very unoriginally post some of my favorite winning google searches that recently landed unsuspecting surfers here, at Up the Creek Without a Platypus:

anaconda toilet box torture, genital protection hockey, spanked tomatoes, aardvark leprosy, Well Hello there Mister sneaky pants, sex with a cigar, Demolition Derby Tercel, burnt eyelashes, cantaloupe bong, Waterbed icepick, elephant unchi, bible coderackers, platypus love, funny and sexy breast check up, ABDUCTION FANTASY, columbian insurgency anal, camping schlong, age old people sneezing, schlong restaurant, Enormous Testicles, pink platypus, Sexy platypus, Alligator candy, Abduction fantasy, Clitorism is Us, sand like silth, suicide witness, sunnyside up spanking, pee under trees, raccoon dog testicles, minotaur slayed, baby salad fornication, deadliest ant, genital protection bareback riding, rancid song test wake up, how to masturbate without waking up partner

I have to say my favorite is "Columbian insurgency anal"... Though..., on second thought..., "spanked tomatoes" and "age old people sneezing" run a tight competition...

Well…, what can I say? I hope they found what they were looking for.