Friday, November 18, 2005

Womb with a view

It was a sunny Tuesday morning when they came for me.

The birds were chirping sweetly. The fire truck sirens were drowning them out, and the Taco Bell drive-through was crammed to capacity.
They put me under a blanket with a biography and told me not to come out until the captain had turned off the seatbelt sign. They assured me everything would be fine, and that I would be safe once we arrived at the CBD (Center for Blog De-tox).

The CBD was a charming and warm institution that hummed of family and informed vitality. Every room had been ingeniously designed with protruding, motherly arms that reached out to welcome and happy-hug the visitor.

The whole establishment was like a giant Womb...

Like an enormous, muscle-plumped Womb with a locker-room steroid secret and a perpetual drip of EHC (Excessive Human Caring)...

... (except without all those sticky, disgusting Wombly fluids circulating through and around it...)

Anyway,... the CBD hooked me up. I was provided with a brilliant buddy to womb-trot with and offered such daily seminars as:

*Dominoes, Debauch and the Decline of Dignity
*Anarchy, Alfalfa-harvesting and Afterlife
*Bucket Beers, Banter and Bread-neck Bars
*News, Nicotine and Caffeine: What the Indianapolis Star doesn't tell you
*Revolution, Resilience and Retribution: The Return of Roller Derby
*Horseshoes and Whore Issues: What they didn't teach your skanky sister in kindergarden

And, in the end, I graduated from the Blog De-tox Program! Yeah!!

But... here I am again... De-toxed and back for another fix...
I just can't seem to kick this one...

*Update: To fulfill prerequisites for the Roller Derby Seminar, check out my friend's Chicago roller derby league here. These sexy renegade chicas will beat you into proper learning shape, if I don't get to it first...

4 comments:

frustratedwriter said...

You are back! I was starting to rock back and forth in the fetal position because you had been missing for so long. Loving lighthearted 'literations... they rocked! I might actually need the number to the detox... then again, I could quit blogging anytime that I wanted. Really.

kyokoshell said...

oh GAWD i missed you, c!!!! you cant detox b/c i was going through withdrawls without you. dont ever leave us again.

i privatized my main blog, but if you want to read it, make a user name and i will friend you, pronto.

Nicole said...

Hooray! But I have my sneaking suspicions that it wasn't actually a graduation - more of an ill-planned, spur-of-the-moment jailbreak style escape involving dull spoons, yards and yards of gauze, and a whole slew of barbituates...
Glad you're backa nd hope it was a good trip!
Wanna come to 'couver over the break?

(the word verification showed up as sexxtewx -- sexx touques? How does it know I'm Canadian??)

-c said...

frustrated- we can all quit anytime. In fact, we're all quitting... Starting tomorrow...

kyokoshell- missed you too! Man, I'm gonna need a user name to put on my socks soon! Will try and come find you!

nicole- infact I traded the spoons and gauze for EXTRA supplies of barbituates... What are forks worth in da 'couver dis time o' year?