Monday, December 12, 2005

Christmas Curse

I think Nostradamus forsaw the coming of this frightening day. And Bible Code-crackers around the globe are rejoicing at the fulfillment of this profound Prophesy.

Yes, this terrifying fortune has finally come to fruition..., and I fear the menacing atrocities have yet to ascend to full zenith!

Beware! The Day of Too Many Christmas Lights and Excessive Holiday Lawn Adornments is upon us!

No longer will a single strand of colored bulbs lining the roof suffice. No longer, can we rest content with a simple seasonal wreath hanging on the door. We must have more! There must be lighted bucks and mechanical does, balloon-bellied Santas and militias of gingerbread men!

I admit, that I, too, have fallen victim to the charm of this vicious prophesy, for not weeks ago, I blew a fuse helping to decorate a friend's house. We couldn't stop with just the white icicles. No, screamed the tempting serpent: You must do more! So, we added colored bulbs. But, still, our appetite for the Forbidden Christmas-light Fruit was not appeased. So we hung a red-eyed Santa in the window. But, he eerily begged for company. So, we hung a Snowman beside him (because we all know that Kris Kringle's eternal loneliness lies in his lack of snowball brethren..). But still, something was missing! Our two merry men were alone with their unfulfilled desires for goodies and booty. So, we gave them a giant lighted present and a red and green stocking and plugged it all in.

And, for one beautiful fleeting second, the angels sang and the lights evoked little boys with gleeful I'm-gonna-shoot-my-eye-out grins, and peace was felt by all in the neighborhood.
Until... the lights went dark and the fuse went black, and we knew, first-hand, that the Curse of the Day-of-too-many-Christmas-lights was upon us.

Now... don't get me wrong. I'm no practicing Scrooge or Grinch, but... I feel it necessary to say:

America, once again, you've gone too far!

If I had it my way, we'd all forget these blow-up candy canes and mechanical sleighs,

and just make-out under unlit branches of mistletoe...


frustratedwriter said...

now that would really bring Christmas joy! although, if you were making out with drooling Dan or the homeless guy from the local dumpster, it might not be quite so joyful... but oh the potential!

We have three strands of lights on our house. Quaint. Not too flashy. Nice.

dingobear said...

In consideration of both your recent Japanese travels and disappointing experience with Christmas lights, I wrote you the following haiku:

Search the Dead Sea Scrolls!
No Christmas lights you'll find; just
Kiss me un'er the 'toe.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Note my clever use of apostrophi (umm, that's plural for "apostrophe" in my country ... yeah, let's go with that), to ensure my haiku complied with prescribed haiku form. Merry Christmas!

Rabin said...

didn't figure you for a romantic

This season I feel like Mr. Grinch! lol..

Dunzo said...

I have no Xmas lights, no reindeer, no sleds, and no conifers inside my home though there's one in the front yard.

That conifer shall be designated my Xmas tree though no lights will ever be hung on it, no gifts will ever be placed under it, and every year or two the power company will come and lop off its upper regions to prevent it from mucking up the power lines that are stretched above it.
Merry Xmas!...I mean, Happy Holidays!!!

-c said...

frustrated- you mean you know what it's like to make out with Drooling Dan too?

dingobear- thanks for the truly lovely haiku! Your use of apostrophi was absolutely brilliant!

r- even us sarcastic souls get sappy sometimes :)

dunzo- I'm all for the outdoor xmas tree! It's a shame it has to get a buzz cut, though.