Thursday, April 06, 2006

Whore-o-scope

For all you's whores out there, I know life is tough. It's hard to tell what surprises the day's clientele might bring, and what sticky situations might explosively shock you.

So..., I've come up with a One-size-fits-all (no pun intended) horoscope to alleviate the time-consuming and energy-draining process of remembering your own birthday, identifying your astrological sign, and finding your daily prophesy in the cum-damp pages of the newspaper.

Today's Whoroscope:

The sun and moon are at odds today. Tread carefully. Beware of impious pimps, for greed is colliding with the moons of pussy-prospect, and blue-balls are rising in the green-back orbit. Be careful today with f**ked-up fantasy-fulfillment assignments and suck-sational sensations. Dire Desperates are on the rise. Question urgency today, and stability and excitement will follow.

...hmmm...

...well..., despite my seemingly insightful visions of working-girl destinies...,

I've never really been one for blind astrological faith. I tend to see the characters of the zodiac more as indicators of civilization's mentality in a historical context rather than as landmarks in a grand cosmic fate.
But... who am I to say?

Afterall..., maybe it's just a newly-packaged, alternatively-marketed case of old Greeky Cassandra (who was blessed with the ability to fortell the future, but cursed by the fact that no one would ever believe her...)

I DO know, though, that if I am to prescribe to some of the horoscopes I read for myself today, I can expect a few marital quibbles between the sun and the moon, expect Saturn to no longer move backwards, expect my "fizzle to turn to sizzle", look forward to a bit of specifically-ambiguous change, and expect my "wacky humor to lighten up some awkward situations".

Ahh, hell... where do I sign up? Today's as good a day as any to become a converted Believer!

... Maybe an orbit's not just an orbit, and Saturn CAN move backwards...!

Hey, afterall, even a skeptic can't help but believe that a little fizzle might transform into some sizzle, and that undoing someone's meteor belt today might just mean prosperity tomorrow!

(further whore-o-scopes to follow...)

10 comments:

frustratedwriter said...

okay you covered the working girl, but what about the manager, the middle man, the pimp-o-rama?

dingobear said...

Yeah, I agree with Frustrated, we pimps wanna know what the stars have in store for us. (Pimps are people, too!)

Cap'n Rich said...

One can never tell what poor crazy mixed up -c is gonna come up with next, can one? :)

Anonymous said...

That is the truest statement of all on this site!! To know her is to love her is to hate her is to be enthralled with her random expression of life is to be endlessly fascinated with her abitious self-destruction is to not be able to look away because you don't have a clue what is going to happen next. How can people watch tv when there are people like -c around?

The Ingrown Hare said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Ingrown Hare said...

"...and finding your daily prophesy in the cum-damp pages of the newspaper."


Do you live in a whore house?

MagicalSis said...

delightful!!!!
so good for you to think of the ones who must use there god-given assets to make a living.

Cap'n Rich said...

Hey -ceecee,is California a good place to scope out whores? Please send a dozen of your whore-o-scopes, extra strength,by Overnite UPS.

-c said...

frustrated and dingobear- you are too right! A whore alone does not the money make. Pimp Prophesies are certainly in order! I'll try to get on those next!

anon- aww... t.v. often makes more sense, though...

ingrown hare- Yup. Stop by after pay-day and I'll hook you up with the best o' the best!

magicalsis- Yeah, some jobs sadly just don't utilize those god-given assets as they should these progressive days...

cap'n rich- Whore-scoping in California... hmm... sounds like you've hit on a brilliant tourist industry!

L said...

astrology cracks me up