Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Of the Devil’s condoms and food stamps

So, when I was a teenager, I was known, on occasion, to drop arbitrary condoms and pregnancy tests into poor couples' unwatched shopping carts in the super market.

(thanks, frustrated writer for rekindling this memory☺)

I hoped that it would spark exciting conversation and dialogue (maybe a bit of humor and otherwise difficult-to-invoke exchange between the discoverers of the merchandise), result in microcosmic pandemonium, and create (if nothing else) a great source of laughter for myself and my friends.

Yes, it was quite cruel.
Maybe even a bit too ‘prophetic, pubescent proselytizing’ for anyone’s taste…
…but, I was young and dumb…

But, now…, it’s quite boring, actually…

I don’t get to play the trouble-starting, world-examining, piss-taking critic anymore…

I don’t get to apply anti-flea lotion to the devil’s advocate’s tail. I don’t get to grease the spokes of absurdity’s earlobe and swing his daughter’s umbilical-cord jump rope as her friends chant: “One LeapFrog, 2 LeapFrog, 3 LeapFrog more!”.

Instead, I dress up and interview for jobs doing the other thing that I LOVE more than anything: working with children. I share my experience, ability and over-qualified enthusiasm, only to realize that the pay couldn’t support the needs of a domesticated, half-pedigree dog in any part of the city.

Anyway, I’m sure that some enlightened guru of the east once said that living off of happiness, rice, noodles, library books, vagabond blogging and un-paid editorializing was the ultimate key to existence…

At least…, if he didn’t, he should have said that… ☺

*Update/Edit: To preserve my credibility as a dedicated educator, I’ll have you know that I would never drop condoms or pregnancy tests into a child’s lunch box. After all, we all know that abstinence pills work far better. Especially when the children are still in their formative years.


Frustrated Writer said...

Ha! I would think dropping a tube of KY Jelly into a shopping cart would also stimulate a little conversation...

We don't pay teachers enough and that is sad. Sometimes the jobs we love the most are taken from us by the desire to survive financially. There has to be a better solution. I salute you and applaud your love for working with children.

Wait, there are abstinence pills?

Cap'n Rich said...

You ought to be ashame of yourself. Martha would kill me if she found condoms in our shopping cart (or anywhere else I might be be involved. Heh, heh. That gives me an idea.)

Check my blog again. I just posted the first installment of a new multipart blog. Is it not there on your computer?

I hate it that you are job searching. If I had my way everyone would be retired at 21 years old.

dingobear said...

Haha, did you really used to drop pregnancy tests and condoms in people's shopping carts? That's hilarious!

I don't envy you -c, job searching is tough. But as far as I can tell, the kids that do end up with you as their teacher will have just hit the jackpot because they'll get to learn from one of the most creative and imaginative minds that I know of!

Regarding the pay, maybe you and E could move up to Canada? I don't know how it compares with the States but teachers' salaries here are on the up. And you don't even have to pay for healthcare here. And we even have waffles with Canadian maple syrup. And drinking bears. You should seriously consider it.

-c said...

frustrated- Why, abstinence pill, yes. Unfortunately, they are only 0.9% effective after the child reaches puberty.

cap'n rich- I'm actually happy to be job searching. Believe it or not, I have quite enjoyed most of my jobs in the past (though I could have done without motel housekeeping, movie theater popcorn-slinging and cafeteria beverage bitching...)

dingobear- Yup, the condoms and pregnancy tests: true story, though I think I only did it a few times before my conscience got the better of me.
Aww...thanks for the ego-nudge, dingobear! I'll pump them kids so full of creativity, they'll be shitting Maxwell Parrish works by the time they're 10!
And, yes, Canada is always high on my list of back-up plans (just don't tell the CIA. ooops- too late).

Kuntry Konfession said...

as a teen, i would pinch elderly butts-thinkin that they'd feel
now, i'm too old for it-i'd only get sued for harassment!....but i play with kidz in the playsand, eat mud pies and flung cat poos-just so i can stay forever young!
welcome to my funny farm!-thanks for visiting and i'm sorry my language is so juvenile compared to your beauty!
hehehe! i sure enjoy your writing and will be comin' by to pose as an intellect.