Monday, January 01, 2007

On unflawful perfection and fault invention

If you don’t have enough inherent idiosyncrasies as a person, I say it is your social responsibility to invent some.

I mean, lets say you’re an outstanding guitarist. You are an impeccable master of both technical and methodological precision who tight-ropes flawlessly between soulful inspiration and musical exactitude. You run up and down arpeggios like virtual staircases, and your every performance is like a Jimmy-invoking séance.

Yes, you’re an extraordinary musician who will probably even make it into music history books and slip into the pretentious conversations of martini-drinkers at parties held by old people trying to be hip.

But…, will people like you?


Because no one likes a faultless genius. No one likes a perfect neighbor, an intelligent AND beautifully-breasted coworker, or a weather man who is an actual meteorological psychic. Aside from making great paper weights, such people just serve to highlight the flaws and shortcomings of others.

So, that’s why I think it’s important for everyone (especially all the other flawless people like me in the world) to invent a few well-developed, rough-edged idiosyncrasies that can be tacked on to their personality in times of social awkwardness or peer disdain.

The kick-ass, impeccable guitarist, for example, would be wise to get himself a drug addiction of some sort and an affinity for rubbing zebra dung on his forehead and genitals during performances.

The perfect neighbor could get herself a minor personality tic like…, for example, an obsessive-compulsive need to repaint the mailbox each and every day wearing only a pair of blue clogs and a postal service hat.

Et cetera…

But, you ask, does the preacher practice what she screeches?

Why yes, in fact, I do.

In my own life, I’ve uploaded a few invented flaws and idiosyncrasies that I often use to highlight my inherent persona and keep my social peers from thinking I’m dull.

The first thing I invented was a passionate disdain for mayonnaise. I learned over many years of being asked “What foods do you like/ dislike?” that my honest answer (“I like everything. There’s not a food I can think of that I don’t like.”) was not a socially acceptable answer. Every time I tried to answer truthfully, my interrogators would INSIST that there must be a food I couldn’t stand.

Hence, I pulled mayonnaise out of my ass (…but, sorry, I didn’t film it and post it to Youtube), and now just the thought of that whipped-cum white puree gives me the inclination to sing Christmas carols with Whitney Houston and Ted Haggard.

The other personality enhancer I brewed for myself is a lovely little piece of work I call Travel Snobbery…

I figure everyone spins the globe and fantasizes about seeing the romantic shores, exotic creatures and diverse flora of distant lands unprotected by corrupt governments.., but NOT everyone can boast of a narrow-minded snobbery about the “correct” way to travel.

So…, I carefully designed (first out of toothpicks and later out of idea alone) a unique, backpacker-wiggle-your-bare-toes- down-into-the-cultural-earth-eat-cheap-stuff- from-local-markets-and-stay-in-three-walled-places-that- cost-less-than-a-bottle-of-water attitude towards travel which I have used to add spice to my public personality on many a crowd-pleasing social occasion.

And this little idiosyncratic attitude of my exoteric self says that Costa Rica is for howler monkeys and one-week tourists who wear their backpacks on their stomachs and scream when they see spiders near their food.

But… what can I say…, the ticket was cheap. So, I’m going.

...Phew!... All of these words just to say that I’m going to Costa Rica…

No…, honestly, all of the circumlocutive wordiness is just a part of my recently invented “Can’t get to the point” Flaw that I’m working on now to enhance my otherwise banal personality. Let me know how it’s coming.


dingobear said...

-c, several things:

(1) I cannot lie, I am a faultless genius. That's why I believe your idea of developing a few rough-edged idiosyncrasies is a stroke of, well, genius. Finally! Ordinary people will appreciate me for the demi-god that I am.

(2) Costa Rica for a quick getaway sounds fantastic! Have a great time, in spite of all of those "tourists" ...

(3) Well, if you just "got to the point" everytime, that wouldn't be any fun, would it?

(4) Happy New Year!

Cap'n Rich said...

-c, I have afected only one fault to conceal my borish genius:

I pretend to be unable to spel, punciate or use gran ma correctly.

You are the funniest person on the blogdom! I read them all and you're it. Ho ho ho ho ho!

Bewary of those bird catching spiders. They'll give you indigestion. I learned the hard way.

Frustrated Writer said...

I have developed some rather interesting flaws too, to mask the pure genius that I am. I find it makes my perfection easier for them to stomach and keeps the jealousy meters down to a manageable level. Those flaws can also keep me from falling prey to disingenuous women who I might otherwise find worthy of dating.

Funny post!

-c said...

demi-god dingobear- 1)as long as you don't mind being greek, you'll make a fine full-blooded deity. 2)Thanks for the trip well-wishes, and 3)there'd be no gratification or selfish purpose for blogging if I actually tried to get to and make real points...4) A happy coming year to you!

cap'n rich- ha ha! I'm glad that, secretly, you are able to "use gran ma correctly." hehe

frustrated- yeah, the threat of peer jealousy and the even more frightening danger of having to date someone who openly exhibits insincere and flawful (hehe) characteristics... such things have driven many a person to fake unfortunate personality traits. You are not alone:)