Friday, June 29, 2007

Jail the Jaywalkers!

Many a dangerous criminal and violent psychopath go undetected for years. They have no criminal history, no outstanding warrants, no accusations of sodomy or ferret-fucking made about them over the water cooler. They are, in the law’s eye, safe and ideal citizens: kind, normal, acquiescent and predictable.

You can see them buying broccoli, bananas, detergent and milk at your local supermarket. You nod to them in front of your house as you are taking out the trash. You smile at them as they pass you on your way to work.

They are entirely indistinguishable from other ordinary folk, working 9 to 5, trying to survive, raise families, and understand the meaning of life. They have clothing preferences and movie favorites, opinions on politics and thoughts about music. They eat, sleep, love, breathe and count stars just like you.

They are lawyers, bus drivers, artists, propeller makers, seatbelt engineers, writers, migration workers, waiters, water pipe salesmen, NGO organizers, marketing specialists, yoga instructors, volcanic tour guide leaders, financial specialists, aspiring script play writers, physical therapists, dildo mold makers, sex therapy doctors, grad students, ship-in-bottle builders, and educators.

Sometimes, you don’t even know they’re criminals until you catch them red-handed in vile acts of abominable law-breaking and terrorism.

Luckily, authorities caught one of these two-faced, deviant devils this morning. Now, we can have a better picture of the felonious transgressors who commit some of the most deplorable and dubious dick-slaps to societal law.

At 7:44 a.m. today, a white female English teacher was observed walking across the street on her way to work. One of Seattle’s finest motorcycle cops noticed that the ‘Don’t Walk’ signal had begun to flash just as the sinning teacher placed her heathen sneakers onto the road. Although the signal remained green as she safely crossed the street, and no driver or pedestrian was inconvenienced or harmed by her crossing, the esteemed officer luckily captured this national threat.

Though the suspected terrorist subversive has not been detained, she has been issued a $56 traffic infraction for crossing the street while the ‘Don’t Walk Red Hand’ flashed.

We can all, now, feel safer because justice has been served, and Seattle has been immunized against the impending national security threat that this jay-walking, terrorist teacher posed.

Sigh of relief…

Editor’s question: Should I fight the infraction or allow justice to be served and my country made safer? I mean, it's only $56... but, it's $56! And... can I use the: "It's the principle of the thing!" argument here?

24 comments:

Cap'n Rich said...

Mirth, mirth, mirth :).

Simply explain to the judge that you are an illegal alien and no speakee the Aunglish good, besides you don't have $56. Judges are kind hearted people. He might order the court to give you a $1,000 or so. Only in America.

On behalf of ship in bottle builders everywhere...who snitched?

dingobear said...

-c, don't get me wrong but I think it was only a matter of time until you and your criminally-inclined disposition got arrested. :-)

But $56?! What kind of autocratic dictatorship do you live in? I feel your pain. I'm no lawyer but I do like to impersonate one from time to time, and my advice is to play the race card. ("It was discrimination!")

Always seems to work for me when, um, my friend - um, yeah, that'll do - gets arrested.

-c said...

cap'n- mirth, is right. Your suggestion is a valid one. I'm currently looking for an out-of-country passport and am preparing my request for $1000, citizenship and visas for my 12 brothers. As for the ship in bottle builder who ratted you out: that information is confidential (unless it helps me clear my record of jaywalking offenses).

dingobear- I'll hire you! An impersonating lawyer obviously has stronger skills necessary for the job than an honest one. But, I'd like to request that we play the "cute card". Obviously, it was my stunning beauty alone that drew the officer to stop me and not that ugly chick crossing the same street in the opposite direction. Do we have a case?
(For the record, I was not "arrested", but if you want me to say I was "molested", that could work...) hehe...

dingobear said...

Like I said, discrimination! They molested you just because you were beautiful!!

So "cute card" it is, cutey.

;)

frustrated writer said...

Oh great platypussian princess, you should fight the ticket. Most cops won't bother showing up for the court date (especially a jay walking ticket) and the judge throws it out since your accuser is not present.

Alas, I did think thee a bit of a threat but never knew you had slunk below the molesting of ferrets.

Jason said...

I have always wondered about this jaywalking business. The UK seems to function fine without any such laws. I think it is just one more part of the patchwork of petty rules that are designed more or less to keep US citizens in a high state of compliance. I enjoyed my time in America, but found it to law-abiding for my tastes. One thing, though, count yourself lucky there was a walk/don't walk sign and that it worked! In Memphis, I would have to scramble across a six lane highway to get to the supermarket in about 5 seconds before the giant cars sprang back into life. It made laying in the Krispy Kremes a life-or-death choice.

scooter said...

c, do the right thing.

enter the room dramatically. double doors are ideal for the "juggernaut shove," but you have to be careful with the knee-high swinging gate that follows, as i've seen many a dramatic entrance lose all effect and momentum when one tumbles tits-over-teakettle in front of a room full of strangers.

walk confidently toward the judge (basking in the warm glow of your own righteousness all the while), set the boom box on the floor, and press "play," knowing you have 4 seconds of delay--enough time that you can slowly raise the fist of your choice in defiance--as the first strains of public enemy's "fight the power!" reverbate through the courtroom, causing:

a) every single person within hearing distance to spontaneously break into applause at your bravery and honesty, tears welling in their eyes as the wish that they, too, had your rock-solid sense of justice; or


b) in the alternative, causing every single weapon-bearing court official or hanger-on who just happens to be packing heat to draw a bead on you as they make you do the funky chicken under the weight of at least half a dozen burly baton-brandishing deputies...

and make sure to film it and send a copy to me. please?

Cap'n Rich said...

Or, on the other hand, you could plead insanity.

frustrated writer said...

damn, they must be making you serve hard time since we haven't seen hide nor hair of you for a week! them Seattle jay walking laws are tough!

Cap'n Rich said...

Dam Creek,

Did you get 30 days in the Big House or have you simply gotten lucky and disappeared again to some far away place?

Please post SOON!!!!

WE WANT -c! WE WANT -c! etc. etc. etc..

ted said...

Where ya at dude? Travelling? Suffering blog burnout? Or have you started a secret covert blog somewhere titled, "Up the Creek without a Protoplasm"?

frustrated writer said...

I keep watching her blog
Hoping to see a new post
Is her internet clogged?
Or is her creativity toast?
So what will it take
To get some platypus lines
So I won't have to make
A comment of really lame rhyme.

come on, post already!

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