Saturday, August 25, 2007

Cosmic Holes, PMS and Perspective

It’s that time of the month again.

It’s that time when blood flows from me, and I stick spongy cotton up my entrance way in an attempt to thwart threats of panty paint scribbles and menstrual malodors. It’s that time when the haphazard viewing of a wailing baby and the sing-song intonation of a bee zzzz-ing around a flower fill me with purposeful understanding of an interconnected world- cyclical, alive and fertile.

But, more importantly: it’s that time when I have a socially-acceptable excuse for being unpredictable, socially intolerant and seemingly uncaring of the petty, personal plights of others.

This month, the timing couldn’t be better.

It just so happens that over the last few days I have been feeling abnormally unsympathetic towards the woes and tiny traumas of my fellow humans (…or, hu-people, as we feministically-correct like to call us).

I pity every emotion-exposing soul-bearer who has shared their problems with me recently only to get a slow shrug and a “so what?” eyebrow flick in response. Each and every one of the confiders deserves better…

But what can I do? I have been busy. I have been busy braiding my thoughts into rastafarian dreads, trying to contemplate the vastness of the universe and the immensity of potential nothingness.

Yeah..., it sounds like philosophical hopscotch on a bed of psychedelically-altered, eastern-religious rice, I know, but it’s pretty sane stuff. Really. Especially, considering what we are learning these days…

Astronomers just recently released their findings of an enormous expanse of universe devoid of anything…er… everything… (See this and do some googling). Basically they just found a huge patch in the universe’s quilt that has NOTHING on it. This means that grandma didn’t embroider any holiday prints there, didn’t glitter-glue any decorative sparkly stars, ringed planets or any visible, shiny sequins. She didn’t even spill any tea or release any scented, dyspeptic gases there. It’s a big, empty patch in our universal quilt with NOTHING on it.

And by big, I don’t mean like the size of your rich neighbor’s pimpin’ new Sports Utility Vehicle with GPS and automated pubic hair-drying capacity. It’s not big like the size of your ex-lover’s thighs, your continent, this planet or even the Milky Way galaxy. It’s more like 1 billion light years in diameter big…

Well, let’s try this. Have you ever spent a romantic night under the stars and wished that you could take your sexy companion to the brightest star in sight for an evening of nefarious debauchery? If you had the right travel agent who could book you a flight traveling at the speed of light, you could get to your destination of passion and unbridled euphoria in no less than 2 years. Yes, that’s 2 light years, minimum.

However, to cross this patch of recently found, grandma flatulence-absent cosmic nothingness would take you I BILLION years, traveling the speed of light. Business class.

Yeah, it’s pretty damn big. And pretty astoundingly vacant. And pretty thought-masturbatory.

So, this week, when people told me about their malfunctioning iPods, bedbug infestations, childhood traumas, psycho boyfriends, and parking dilemmas, I had to giggle at the insignificance of their perceived catastrophes.

Luckily, I could reference the socially-accepted ‘woman’s bloody time of the month’ excuse for my lack of sympathetic decency.

And then, I could go back to worrying about my apartment deposit and Lindsay Lohan’s cocaine-anaesthetized rhinoplasty…


dingobear said...

My scientific assessment after closely studying the linked article plus all associated diagrams: I do not, in fact, believe that the scientists have discovered a huge void in the universe ... but rather, I just think there was a big particle of dust on the telescope they were looking through!

Cap'n Rich said...

-c, I'm distressed to learn of your monthly malaise. There was a time when I was young and single that I applauded such events. Now...alas .I extend my sympathy to the distaff side in general.

Ah -c, it's so nice to know that someone is paying attention to the horrendous cosmic discover ires even if it only is a human broad with the pip. Even the most cursory calculations by we androids from Zork lead us to concur with the observation of Dingobear.

Haven't I pointed out to you before that Black Holes are illusionary. There are no such things.

In the words of the great poet Ogden Nash:

Yesterday upon the stair
I saw a girl who wasn't there!

She wasn't there again today
I wish that she would go away!

frustrated writer said...

Damn it! I thought I had hidden that expanse where no one could find it! Sigh, I just hope they don't find the spot in the universe where I hid those cosmic hairballs produced by alien felines with overactive tongues.

As for you monthly "Get Out of Caring" card, I say, "work it girl!" If you have to live with it, then use it to your advantage!

-c said...

dingobear- Your dust on the lens theory caused many a scientist to recheck the cleanliness of their measuring utensils, and it turns out it WAS just dust- or, more accurately: sleep-filled eyelashes on the telescope. The scientific community once again applauds you for keeping them awake :)

cap'n- I humbly and ignorantly admit that I don't know what your reference to said broad with the pip means... But, Ah ha! I love Ogden Nash! A brilliant and fitting quote from a brilliant, callous and cynical soulmate.

frustrated- the hairballs have already been found. They were right behind the stack of floating, masturbation tissues, car seat-wiped boogers and easter eggs with the magic crayon profanities. I guess there just aren't enough decent hiding places left in this place...

Cap'n Rich said...


'Pip' refers to the central character in a novel by Dickens, about a boy of whom someone had 'Great Expectations'. Through the passage of time as men asked one another 'Has your broad had her menustration yet?' and received the reply, 'No, but I have Great Expectations that it will happen soon or I might well become a convict." "if so you can always blame it on Pip!"

Need I go on?

Anonymous said...

I hate pms! I become nervous and aggressive on that days! It's terrible! My boyfriend is trying not to see me when I have pms, cause I start thinking about breaking him up!