Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Job Position Available: Ruler of the Universe

/Geek Confession

I’ll be looking for a new job soon. I’m pretty sure I want to be Queen of the Ants.
Well… that, or Big Blade of Grass among all the grasses...

In any case, I’m not the only one looking for a job with high aspirations.
A friend I met a few years ago in Nepal sent me an e-mail today, divulging his ambition to get a job as ‘Master of the Universe’.

And, it struck me that he might not be the only one with this desire.

So, in hopes that I might help others out there with a similar goal, I am posting the following job opening that came to my attention through secret channels of cosmic networking and job-searching:

Job Title: Chief Executive of the Universe

Position Summary: The Master of the Universe or CEU is responsible for implementing the strategic goals and objectives of the Universe, and is accountable to the Scientific Laws which currently govern the Organization of the Universe (as well as to the Board of Organizational Chaos). Working with the Chair (whose dark matter-infested offices in the Small Magellanic Cloud Galaxy are in the process of relocation), the CEU is responsible for giving direction and leadership toward the achievement of the Universe’s philosophy, mission, strategy and universal light year goals and objectives (whatever they may be).

Qualifications:
-Advanced degree in Confusing Little Life Forms (or related field)
-Minimum of 10 billion years of administrative/managerial leadership experience related to planets, pulsars, quasars, comets, binary stars, neutron stars, globular clusters, OR confusing Little Life Forms
-A history of responsibility for multi-galactic matter profit and loss
-A sense of humor

Knowledge, Skills and Abilities:
-Earned reputation for creative ‘big picture’ thinking, reasoned problem solving, and capacity to put good ideas into practice
-Ability to manage processes of creation and decline while simultaneously confounding the Little Life Form
-Evidence of success in securing planetary, stellar and galactic support
-Strong networking, conflict resolution, space-time dialogue and subatomic communication skills
-Untaught natural capacity to laugh, create and inspire organic and comedic evolution
-Ability to speak and write persuasively with passion, lack of clarity, beguiling purpose and de-emphasis on meaning (multilingual skills required)

Please send cover letter and curriculum vittae to any address you feel like. Please no phone calls or emails. We will contact you if you are right for the job.

Editor’s Note: I’m not sure, but I think if you tell them your best friend is a dwarf star, it might help your diversity standings among the competitors...

4 comments:

Cap'n Rich said...

How much does it pay?

dingobear said...

Hmmmm ... the CEU is a much sought-after position. -c, I think you need me as a reference.

My question: who do I need to sleep with to get appointed on the Board?

frustrated writer said...

I fear that my kids have already laid claimed to this position as they remind me constantly that the Universe revolves around them and that they are truly, "King/Queen of the Universe."

-c said...

Cap'n- Unfortunately, if you're talking about money, you're probably unqualified for the job. I think there was mention of a Galactic Hugs, Tickles and Awe Benefit Plan, though...

dingobear- Good question. It seems that most members of the Board's hiring staff have surpassed sexual desire, but if you have knowledge and computations to pass on, I'd sleep with EZ Peg, a ninth-magnitude G star. She's the only one who still does most of her learning and uploading in bed.

frustrated- I'm excited to know we might have some qualified candidates! If they're anything like their father, they should have no problem answering the pre-interview questions: "What skills can you bring to this position?" and "How many dimensional directions do you propose time should bend in the future?" I've got a good felling about these applicants!