Friday, June 10, 2005

Abduction or Fantasy?

I felt like I was a puppet in one of those Japanese anime movies where the main character steps onto a bus, or into an abandoned building or through a gate and is spirited away into a world of ghosts, imaginary creatures and magic.
In my case, it was a building, though hardly abandoned. The living dead circled: some staring at this alien, human intruder and others lying on their backs, floating across the floor on squeaky wheels. The air felt centuries old and, I swear, I saw some of the mops scrubbing the floors without a handler.

Yes, it was my annual check-up at the small-town hospital.
First, they filled a syringe the size of a large, straightened plantain with my blood. (“Hey!You thieving, living-Dead cunts,” I wanted to scream. “stop! There's a really good reason that red stuff is in my arm and not in your alchemist's plantain!”)
Then they attached diodes and wires to my legs and arms and little octopus tentacles to the flesh covering my major organs. (“Wait a minute… this isn't a check-up offered free to Junior High School employees… It's the result of Neptune's new legislation to up the 2005 status quo for abductions!”)
Then an old woman (who I'm fairly certain had a bulging, third eyeball on her left breast) took my hand and placed it on a joystick. I played an exceptionally boring video game for two minutes, and the woman then cooed at me like an eerie dove at midnight (“Per-r-r-r-rfect eye site”, the Third Eye added in ghetto dove dialect).

“Now, pee in a cup, and we'll lock you in a small torture box to check your hearing.”

And that was that.

(For the record, I'm healthy as vegetable juice with good hearing, perfect eye site, regular heart beat, and diabetes-free. Just an abnormally high blood-alcohol level and an engorged, psychological understanding of the Living Dead.)


Rabin said...

This reminds me of a comprehensive medical test I took a while ago. Every doctor or nurse I met were cheerful, except for this one dude. When I walked into his room for this last and final test, he sat with mournful eyes, I thought he had suffered a serious loss or something, turns out I was wrong. He was the proctologist. No wonder.

This experience of yours seems like an abduction! Are you sure you know where you are? You could be in the matrix! :)

frustratedwriter said...

I don't know, I would much rather meet a glum proctologist than one who was overly excited about his job... or the prospect of probing me. Really enjoyed this post!

bertissimo said...

japanese doctors...dont wear shoes
or use gloves
one of the top docs at a tokyo hospital was one of the aum cult members that saran gased the subway
everymonth i read in the yomiuri daily about new horrible ways to torture patients by japanese doctors and nurses
remnants of botched experiences from the colonial days?
my favorite is a nurse who ripped her mental patients nails out because 'he asked to many questions'
your lucky they were aliens!

-c said...

Have you read about "Dr. Death"? He was practicing in Australia but has fled.
Wouldn't be surprised if he's performing a surgery in Japan right now...