Monday, September 26, 2005

Fear Factor times 1,984

There aren't many creepy crawly creatures that really scare me.
(...granted, I always feel a wee bit uneasy and spooked around idiotic moths and misdirected June bugs that repeatedly propel their bodies at lightbulbs and window panes...)
but... honestly, stealthy vampire bats and teething turantulas have nothing on me...

Big Brother could lock me in an unlit, uninformed Republican's closet filled with tatooed, nose ring-wearing NYC sewer rats, venemous Aussie snakes, and electric eel executioners,
and I STILL wouldn't concede that 2 plus 2 was five.

Big Brother: Admit it! 2 + 2 = 5!
Me: No, 2 + 2 = 4
Big Brother: -c, please step into this warehouse the size of Luxemburg inhabitted by 493 trillion black widows...
Me: OK. Bring it on. Zwei und zwei sind vier.

Big Brother: Please, -c, allow me to place you between a Grizzly and her cubs being ambushed by a ravenous pack of wild, kendo stick-wielding, flame-throwing wolves.
Me: Sure. No problem. Mind if I bring a drink?
BB: No drinks! What's two and two?
Me: Four.
BB: Shit...

BUT, ...if one teeny tiny, mostly-harmless baby bee does innocent air summersaults across the street from me..., I immediately begin to wonder if I have any terrorism-fearing neighbors with a bomb shelter for rent...
It's completely irrational, I know...

Big Brother: OK, -c, here's a small poached egg-sized bee hive to hang from your mother's roof awning. Now... what's 2 pints of Guinness plus 2 pints of Guinness?
Me: Uh... er... I dunno... 4 pints...?
BB: 4 pints... Are you sure? Afterall, 'tis the season to seek pollen...
Me: No! No.. wait! 121 pints. Yes. Wait-- no! ... a poached egg-sized hive...?... Five! Yes, definitely five pints of Guinness! Dos pints + dos pints = cinco pints.

Well, so..., I've got bees and a hive and no evacuation plan. A friend recommended gasoline. My mother suggested redirecting local ant pathways. Personally, I'm leaning towards total capitulation...
Afterall, any creature with a really sharp spike protruding from its ass must deserve a few days on our sunny porch...

7 comments:

The Ingrown Hare said...

Gasoline works but you better have good aim. A dixie cup half full and a well guided throw should do the trick. Instead - I suggest you buy a can of bee killer from your local Home Depot. It shoots really far and aims like a charm not to mention it kills on contact. There is a solution but you'll have to get to the store and spend about $6 bucks or so. In light of your fear, it seems worth it.

jpr said...

What about chemicals that are less likely to actually ignite the patio?
Actually, go with the gasoline. I want to read that blog. :)

Nicole said...

Whatever you do to the bees, do it at either dawn or dusk, as that is when they are least likely to assault you en masse. Smoke 'em out, poison them, gas 'em out, but never in the middle of the day or night, or you better have lots and lots of clothes, masks and gloves on! Good luck lady!

AliceBabylon said...

Dude, you're NOT afraid of spiders? What's WRONG with you?

M. C. Pearson said...

Although I resemble the Republican, I fear bees as well...because my mother is allergic. Long story. When I must go sit outside to watch my kids play, I bring a big red plastic bat with me. It is great fun to swing and splat them. They instantly die. I live in N.C. where the bees are the size of dragonflies. Eeebeeegeeebeees!

-c said...

ingrown hare- My little foes have been staying hidden in their hive recently. But, when they come back out, oh, I'll get 'em!

jpr- Ha!Yeah, a good blog's just not complete without some flames and explosions.

nicole- Are bees some kind of distant relative of vampires?

Alicebabylon- Nope. Not afraid of spiders, though I'd prefer they stay out of my cereal...

m.c. pearson- Hee hee! Bee-batting! I'm not sure I'd have the courage...

frustratedwriter said...

Bees are good for swatting with a tennis racket too. You have a miss every now and again, but the bee is too jazzed to sting you.