Monday, November 28, 2005

Truck-Stop TP: What we need to pee

How many plies of toilet paper do you use on an average just-filtering-the-liquid-through-your-body visit to the little girl's or boy's room? Do you use an equal length of wiping material regardless of the TP brand, thickness, fluffiness and density?

These are the kind of questions that peppered my brother's and my Thanksgiving holiday conversations.
You see, we had both returned to our mom's house for the "Thanks, here's a bullet" celebration of our colonial forefathers to find that our mother had switched from double-plied, cushioned loo rolls to, what we refer to as, economical Truck-Stop TP (TSTP). Upon being questioned about her motives, she replied that she had conducted a month-long study of her own personal hygeine habits and had come to the conclusion that she pulled an equal length of cleansing towel regardless of the nature and makeup of the toilet paper. Therefore, using TSTP saved her money and lasted longer.

Now, let's think about this... There is quite a broad spectrum of closet-room activities; each activity requiring a different length of TP to successfully and sanitarily complete. There's the ordinary, and most common Let's-get-these-glasses-of-water/juice/soda-through-the-system pee. In my case, this calls for about three or four plies. For a man, it often requires nothing more than a healthy shake. Then, there is the I'm-still-shaking-from-seventeen-cups-of-coffee relief. Logically, this should call for no extra plies, but the inaccuracy of a jittery wiping hand must also be considered... We also have the Is-that-8-or-9-cans-o'-Coors? pee. This one is tricky, as the results are scientifically unpredictable: a quarter of the TP roll could disappear, the entire thing could be used to redecorate the living room, or the TP could be forgotten altogether- you just never know. Then, of course, there are the nitty-gritty Get-that-meal-through-digestion bathroom activities... This topic, though, being so complex and extensive in subtleties won't be explored in this post... but, let's just say that plies necessary can range from four to two hundred seventy-nine. After that, women have their Special-time-of-the-month powder room exercises, which require additional TP usage, and virile men with imaginations or excellent reading material may wish to use a few extra plies during clean-up as well...

In short... well... I've taken on a monster of an issue here and haven't even tackled the question... but,...

My gut, evidence-lacking stance on the controversial issue is that toilet paper should be soft enough to sooth while simultaneously being expendable enough to wipe the seat with.


6 comments:

Nicole said...

Big fan of the 2-ply myself, especially when cold season rolls around and I've run out of tissue. Need something to soothe the sore schnoz.

frustratedwriter said...

I'm thinking anything would beat having to use your hand, so any ply is okay with me. Having had to use oak leaves (not a suggested method for anyone with hemmorhoids)pine needles, or even skunk cabbage (oh the irony of that one), paper in any form is a welcomed sight.

Loved this post, had me laughing!

The Ingrown Hare said...

I used Charmin growing up with no problems or complaints.

I use Scott's now because somewhere along the line Charmin started getting shredded against my hole. Whenever I go to my mom's and use the Charmin as a matter of fact, shredding is inevitable, which makes for a poor experience.

I once used fist sized rounded river stones at the instruction of my grandma.

dingobear said...

Hahaha! C, you're hilarious. For what it's worth, in my books, Charmin is the only way to go. I just can't fathom how the Charmin bear could be wrong.

-c said...

nicole- I'd have to agree! The TP as nose-tissue issue brings up a whole new equation I haven't yet taken account for though...

frustrated- if only everyone were so appreciative of paper in any form! I've done sticks, oak, pine, but am not familiar with the consistencey of skunk cabbage..

ingrown hare- I think your grandma must be an awesome lady!

dingobear- Yeah, I give a thumbs-up to Charmin too! The cute, cuddly bear (though I'm sure he's a friendly bloke) kind-of scares me..

L said...

I just try not to squeeze the Charmin :)