Saturday, January 28, 2006

"All you need is...."

When asked to complete the above phrase, 76% of moderately to highly literate English speakers responded: "love". Five percent said "duct tape". Three percent: "a few good yen", and the rest were evenly torn between "a phat ride", "a pair of titanium barber's shears", "grandmas's home-cooked stew", and "faith".

One polled marketing accountant went so far as to say, "all you need is humility," but the interview was cut short when he was dragged into the alleyway by a gang of 14 year old BMX bikers wearing jackets that read: Peace, SK8, ride or die, bra.

Samantha Sans, a free-thinking hair stylist from Paris, Texas reported, "all anyone really needs is security. Security and a bed on the table." She was supported by the enthusiastic nods of four, recently nail-manicured ladies on their way to the outlet mall. (They all also agreed that "nothing in the world beats Grillin Willy's chili cheese fries.")

But, I just don't know...
I mean, I agree that all we essentially really need is Love, but in my experience, it never hurts to have a staple gun, a passport, a ball of twine and some hydrogen peroxide either.

No, but really... on a serious note, this Love thing can be a real tough cookie on your plate. You'd think if it were really the ONLY thing we needed, it would be a little easier to bite into (otherwise, our species would have died off by now). You'd think it would be more like a cube of tofu that tastes like sunset and inside jokes and slides down your throat without requiring 93 volumes of disclaimers...

(Use Love only after consulting your doctor. Do not use Love if you have previously tried it, if you have ever lost a sock, found a hair in your salad, chased a grasshopper, bred pygmies, felt the "groove", slept on your side, tried to count the stars, cursed an appliance, 'mooed' at a cow, swallowed a coin, or if you believe yourself to be mostly human. Love may cause possible side-effects which include, but are not limited to: nausea, dementia, giddiness, euphoria, upset stomach, excessive smiling, bad poetry writing, crying, unwarranted exultation, googly-eyedness, weight-loss, weight-gain, weightlessness, uncontrolled laughing, vomiting, "this song is about me!" exclaiming, light-headedness, intense introspection, jealousy, paranoia, selfless caring, lunacy, and loss of mind. Should you experience any of these things, consult your physician, and immediately consider dropping out and tuning in.)

Uh... I seem to have gotten a bit sidetracked (not to mention nauseated, demented and giddy)... But, to get back to the issue at hand...

All you need is---

Ah, hell, I don't know...

But I have yet to go wrong with: a few intelligent and good people around, a sense of humour, and a can of WD40.


dingobear said...

Hi -c, good, thoughtful post. Maybe at the end of the day, all you need is to be comfortable with the fact that you really don't need anything. But the romantic in me also concurs with the 76%. Perhaps what makes luv great is that it really is more rare than many of us would like it to be but when it works, nothing else compares.

Off topic: by the way, I hope you don't mind but I put a direct link to your blog on my site without your express written or verbal consent. You know, I'm lazy and can't be expected to type http://www.upthecreee etc. everytime I want to read your writing!


other said...

you didn't even mention psychotropics--are you slipping?

kyokoshell said...

all you need is love, woaaa
i agree. recently reformed, newly uncynicized, like a baby blinking at the world

duct tape is key. duct tape makes the world go round. this is a proven fact.

however...LOVE takes the daily application of duct tape to a whole new level. even when your hands are covered in gray snoogies, and you dont know whether to snip the red or the blue is all we need, woah

76 me too

Rabin said...

"on a serious note", now thats a term I never thought I would see in this blog :P

If all you need is love and might i suggest JLo? apparently her love don't cost a thing, brittney spear's on the other hand comes at $2.49 a pound.

Anonymous said...


frustratedwriter said...

I thought all you needed was Tabasco sauce. It spices everything up and you can take it just about anywhere, making it the perfect date. It will only allow you to enjoy "her" in short doses, gives you a warm feeling after enjoying "her" and in a few hours you will have a thoughtful reminder of how precious your time with "her" had been.

If the Beatles had only known.

-c said...

dingobear- It's the end of the day and I'm comfortable with the fact that I need nothing. But, damn, how I'd kill for some enchiladas...PS- Thanks for the link!

other- I thought psychotropics were just assumed. You know, mixed in with everyone's Whoppers and all...

kyokoshell- welcome to the club! Ain't it grand?

Rabin- Haha! Boy, brittney prices are sure sky-rocketing! I remember the day when you could get a lb of her love for a quarter!

anonymous- Yup. All you need is grub!

frustrated- Hehe! So it was you I saw the other night walking along the Santa Monica pier, hand-in-hand with a tabasco bottle!