Monday, January 30, 2006

He said, She said

Olly: "So this is how it happened... First she grabbed me by the neck and dug her gloved thumbs viciously into my Adams apple. Her brown-flecked green eyes hummed a creepy tune of murder and lunacy as she plunged her hiking boot maliciously into my groin. I tried to scream, but all that would come out was a kind of creaky, wooden breathlessness. My once hearty limbs threatened acquiescence as they listened hopelessly to my pathetic squeaking, and I knew that the end was close. It was then that I saw the sunlight at the end of the lawn, signaling the end of my path. I moaned a silent prayer, made peace with myself and my oft-neglected roots, and resigned myself to the twisted whims of the brutal, cloven boot human whose savage hands prepared to break my neck. And then, all went black. I don't know what happened next, but my buddy Gabriel who was watching from a neighboring sky-rise building says that the wicked woman then hacked me up into little pieces, tossed my mangled remains over the fence and into a big dumpster, whereupon she proceeded to jump up and down on top of my diced body until I was completely flattened. That sick bitch!"

-c: "Did I do it? Yes. Am I remorseful? No. Not at all. Olly was one of the hundreds of already-lifeles oleander trunks that I hacked up today. In fact, it's me who is the victim here. That brittle little cunt stabbed me numerous times, drawing blood and causing me to repeatedly say "ouch!". I have since experienced excruciating back pain, muscle aches and increased body odor due to Olly struggle-induced perspiration. The extraordinary emotional trauma I have endured may last for days, and I fear that I may never be able to commit to another long-term relationship with a drought-resistant plant again. I ask that you members of the jury find this barbarous bush guilty of evil acts toward a do-gooder, and award me lots of investment-acceptable compensation. Thank you."

4 comments:

Nicole said...

For your emotional duress, I would like to award you a lifetime supply of Halloween spider webbing, thimbles and candle wax. I know there is a big black market for this stuff, provided you know the right people...

dingobear said...

Not guilty, for the charge of man(plant?)slaughter. But possibly guilty, for the charge of naming your oleander plant Olly, which would be Class 'A' felony!

Haha, I do feel for you though, -c, as I'm still recovering from the lacerations inflicted on me by my lime tree (the thorny bastard) when I tried to repot it the other night. The out of control members of the plant kingdom must be stopped!

frustratedwriter said...

I'm still serving time for decimating a row of rose bushes that nailed me while mowing around them. Do I regret it? No, the thorny bastids can rot in hell.

-c said...

nicole- thanks for the decorations! I think I'll use the thimbles as tiny house plant pots...

dingobear- yeah, lime trees can be tough offenders! We certainly need to impose stricter laws on their violent activity with humans.

frustrated- I won't argue. It's hell for all things thorny and mean!