Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The Night the Wind Had PMS

The current So 'Cal wind- she's a crafty cunt. The way she's been freestyle solo swing dancing from orange tree branch to my roof and back- it's, well... overtly sexual and, quite frankly, obscene!

Now, I know what you're thinking- in most languages and cultures that like to attach a Mr. or Mrs. title to their inanimate objects and naturally-ocurring phenomenon, The Wind is decidedly masculine (i.e. El viento in Spanish, Brother Wind in Native American traditions, Der Wind in German, Il vente in Italian and Otoko no kaze in Japanese... (OK, maybe not really that last one but...-)

But, tonight, as I sit here on the porch listening to the screams of the emotionally-battered oleander against the chain link fence, I can assure you SHE (the wind) is no more a HE than I am an IPod.
(... although... I did once genuinely believe for about an hour that I was a patch of lichen on a parched rock... but, I'm saving that for another post altogether...)

I mean, there's just no way that this sneaky force, scattering thoughts, dry leaves and gardening brochures like they were scribbles in a 3 yr old's coloring book
is anything BUT a full-fledged, irratic raging female!

And, I can say this without being fire-range stoned for breaching unwritten laws of political correctness, because I myself am a full-fledged, irratic raging female... and, I believe in the situationally-based, appropriate use of epithets of all races, creeds, religions and sexes.
And, I'm sticking to that!

So, blow on, ye beautiful, pheremone-fragranced bitch! And thank you! El tiempo oscuro de noche is made extraordinary by your womanly blow!

...er...womanly show... I mean, womanly flow...
...aww, hell, no matter what I write, I can't help but offend even myself :)

7 comments:

Dunzo said...

join the club...

Rabin said...

Hey your my first nominee for the 2006 Bloggies! (In the comedies section) Not going to read this post..just landed back in town..will have this for later

Rabin said...

Humour section that is...dunno, there is some difference between the two..my tired brain won't tell me what tho :)

dingobear said...

Hi C, ok I've thought about it and mulled it over, and I can definitely accept your viewpoint that the wind is a she. But perhaps the gender ambiguity could be reduced if Ms. Wind were given a proper name. Might I suggest the name Felicia, as in Felicia Wind? I think Felicia is a nice name, don't you think?

Haha, ok, I'll quit being obnoxious now and just shut up and smile. :) And maybe wink, too. ;)

-c said...

dunzo- soon to be initiated...

r- cheers! You're a sweatheart! Welcome back!

Dingobear- I think Felicia is a brilliant name. Somehow, though, I feel like there's something nameless about the wind...Oh, but why not?! That darn Felicia went and blew my hat off my head again...

frustratedwriter said...

I thought the wind's name was Mariah. Hmm, will have to stop watching Paint Your Wagon. I've always thought the wind was feminine... it teases and caresses me and then without warning explodes and hits me with an all out fury. If that ain't womanly, I don't know what is.

You don't think I offended any women with that comment, do you?

-c said...

frustrated- no, I don't think any offenses will be taken.
But... I would have thought that those were masculine qualities: teasing, carressing and then suddenly exploding...
:)