Monday, February 06, 2006

Cantaloupe Cascade

Over the river, through the woods, and just north of the yoga mats and fruit smoothie trees in the strawberry fields, there's a little trailhead guarded by a wooden box housing informational brochures about life, the universe, and the governing properties of existence.
For a small donation, you can grab a brochure and a long-armed Pogo pygmaeus (an orangutang) to walk hand-in-hand with you along the spongy path to the Cantaloupe Cascade...
(...it's quite a vision indeed... trickling melons... the spray of sticky orange goop on your face... the occasional white seed of eternal youth..--Lonely Planet rated this waterfall the most magical, untouched location on Earth... that was..., until they published its coordinates in their "Off-the-beaten-track, Utopian Destinations for just-out-of-college-gonna-travel-and-see-the-world-for-six-months, Life Meaning-Searchers" section, and its babbling brook began to whisper fraternity phrases and offer complimentary cantaloupe bong hits--...)

Anyway, though, tourist-tainted beauty and recreational melon use aside... Have a look at the brochure, and you'll find a few important secrets about the chaos-governed universe and the greed-groped human state.

Now..., I only know this from a seventh-hand source..., but I hear this Cantaloupe Cascade Brochure has some pretty crazy and insightful ideas to offer. For example, it states that:

*Eggs wobbling right before an earthquake can upset the molecular structure of sea horse cells on the opposite side of the globe and turn the buggers homosexual...

*... spaghetti that sticks to the wall after having been raised and boiled to techno music is 53% more likely to fall when the song changes (compared to 57% of Country/Western-raised pasta who opt to cling to the vertical paint until well into a song's first chorus)...

*... human beings are Imperfect, and sometimes stop to ogle the nutritional ingredients on Capt'n Crunch cereal boxes, whereas wheat sprouts do not.

*... nature vs. nurture discussions are best saved for those with appropriate professional qualifications (like Jerry Springer's producers, dudes who pawn uteruses for flat-screen T.V.s, and protozoan-american schooll teachers).

*... and, there is a universal, inherent buttered-toast truth that states that (despite Murphy's insecurity issues), bread should go ahead and fall on the floor however it damn well pleases!... Butter-side Up, Down, Sideways, Leaning or with a few fit strips of bacon licking its crusts!

I'm telling you...! I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who... who, well, knew someone who'd read the brochure and hiked the Cantaloupe Cascade trail.

I wouldn't make this stuff up, people!

5 comments:

dingobear said...

Haha! You have an incredible imagination, -c. (Note: the previous statement in no way implies that I think you made up anything in your post).

A question though: if you know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knew someone who'd read the aforementioned melon brochure, doesn't that make it a sixth-hand source of information, rather than a seventh? Ok, just checking.

frustratedwriter said...

I would love to dip my seventh hand into the melons along the trail. Wait, it does exist, doesn't it?

Dunzo said...

There was a song on the O Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack called "The Big Rock Candy Mountains" and this post reminds me of it!

I think a hobo must've certainly been the one who penned such a diddy. Quite imaginitive but lacking the sexual references of your fine piece.

You know, it just dawned on me, Bob Dylan is gonna die one of these days...I think you're a prime candidate to be his replacement. Whadaya say?!

Dunzo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Logic of the Profound Silence said...

From the vast reaches of the darkened woods, the mind's eye is disguised by the eminent dawn of a natural mystery that surrounds us all. All we can do is decipher the meaning through the ambiguous signs that surround us all.

JH