Friday, February 10, 2006

Unlawful En-peachment

So, here in the states, there's been a lot of talk about government spying, bird droppings on eaves, and targeting of individuals who use coded "terrorist phrases" in their e-mails (like "protection of Uncle Bill's amendments to his pre-nuptual," "the Paparrazi dive under Paris Hilton's sheets again," and "the eagle has landed, and the Administration is out scuba-diving with imported parrots")...

Now, I don't really want to get into this, but I WILL state the one conviction of mine that I feel very strongly about, and that is:

My privates should be kept out of the public sector!

And, I don't think I'm being too extreme or close-minded on this one either... Afterall, my privates are my special, sacred places! Even my grandma (God/Allah/Winged Platypus, rest her soul!) told me, "Always keep 'em clean and keep 'em safe!"

And... I just can't argue with my grandma.
No one touches or plays with my privates without permission, and no one has the right to fire me from my job, en-peach me (the act of exiling a person to the center of a Giant Peach- What?! Did you think James was all that sexually innocent?) for my privates' recreational habits..., AND, it is absolutely inexcusable to put my privates' profiles in a 'Possible Terrorist Threat' folder just because they are (--even if I DO say so myself--) of exceptionally high ogling-quality!

And that's that. I'm pretty firm on this one... just as I am on my belief in the Separation of Church and Slate-mining, and Toothpaste and Orange juice...

And yet... I can't help but want to share my personal life excitements with my blogging buddies in the public sphere... So, to celebrate the hideous hypocrite within all of us, I now reveal today's ecstatic, fourth amendment-protected sentiments...:

I just got the BEST Valentines card in my mailbox I have ever received, and I can't stop smiling! (Now, understand that I hate the holiday, and would rather suck salmon eyeballs through a straw than entertain the Hallmark Day's silliness...but...)

Nothing beats a hand-made card packed with musings, drawings and sincerity from someone you miss.

(...well... except maybe a snow leopard singing karaoke from the middle of a pile of hot, naked surfers covered in complimentary colored paint, pious poetry, and freshly-fallen powder....- but that's to be saved for the 'Private Sphere of Fantasy and Pornography'--- Coming soon to a Blog near you!)


dingobear said...

Happiness trumps hypocrisy every time, so reveal away. (And a Happy Valentine's Day to you!)

frustratedwriter said...

I am applauding you with vigor and hoping you have a marvelous Valentine's Day with your privates covered... unless you wish otherwise. Fun post!

Rabin said...

That cool!! Well this year I'm gettin something much better than what you got though. Nothing!! lol

After a break up earlier this year, I'm happy to note that I shall be giving this happy holiday a two finger salute :P

Nicole said...

Aww, Yay! Happy happy for you!

-c said...

dingobear- It's pretty nice then that happiness happens to be quite enjoyable..

frustrated- Yeah, I think I'll keep 'em covered this year. What a crying shame it is, though!

rabin- I'm sending a big blogospheric heart out to you right now :)

nicole- Yeah, I spent the entire day flying high on excitement!