Sunday, July 16, 2006

Juice the improbable

It's not an easy thing to do.
Not just anyone can do it the first time they try.
Really, it takes a bit of dexterous flair, a certain tactical finesse, and a few servings of cosmic luck.

But, miraculously, I managed it.

I successfully tossed my cell phone from my inflatable mattress into a narrow-mouthed glass of orange juice.

I instinctually, unintentionally and exactly calculated the weight and velocity of my flying communication devise, while taking into account gravitational and morning-wind-through-the-window variables to successfully perform this act.
What a miracle to accomplish such a grand feat purely by accident! Just imagine the ego-tickling pride and self-reaffirming dignity I must be feeling right now! Such inspirational and self-glorifying accomplishments don't come every day, you know.

Well..., perhaps it was for the best... Mister E suggested that it was my subconscious’s only way of chewing through the leash; its only way of liberating its free spirit from the confining whips of lovers, prospective employers, family and those ever-pesky good friends.

I, on the other hand, just can't help but be amused by the ever-outstanding preciseness of the universe's random exactness.

I mean..., how many other times in my life have I arbitrarily tossed an object, only for it to fall safely onto a stack of books, a carpet or a pine-needled floor? What are the odds that my projectile should land directly in a glass of citrus sweetness, complete with home-style pulp?!

Anyway, it’s occurrences like this that re-instill my momma’s-milk faith in the Great Winged Platypus and her crafty plans for us all.

(P.S. If you’re still finding that your questions about life, existence, meaning (and why arbitrary objects land in orange juice) are not being satisfactorily answered…, I’d be happy to send you further info on the religious teachings of the Great Platy-Pussy).


dingobear said...

-c, your platypus-inspired beliefs intrigue me. Do I have to undergo some kind of hazing ritual to join your Church?

By the way, the Lakers need help at point guard next season and given your obvious ability to shoot it, I think you should try out.

Frustrated Writer said...

I think it was actually the work of the cell phone gods who are hoping you will replace the phone and upgrade your plan at the same time. Beware of celestial acts in citrus pulp.

Nico said...

I remember how you, like me, were at first decidedly against cell phones, and the reluctance with which you took over Soph's plan. I remember the debate and bets placed over whether or not you would renew it or cancel it, and in the end you renewed. And now, here you are, back in the States. You arrived cell phone free, and yet, now, completely under your own power, you are nack in possession of one of them!?! Nice shot, eh!

smalllittlefightstarter said...

All bets were won by me! You may still owe me money.

-c said...

dingobear- well, there is a very mild exchange between you and the mighty duck-billed deity required. But, don't worry- only 70% of those who have tried engaging in this cosmic conversation spent the four following days believing they were turnips or, in some cases, uprooted white carrots.

And, I think the Lakers need more than a cell-phone-dribbler at point:)

frustrated- You may be right. The phone company sure wants my unborn children's inheritences to replace my juicy talking devise...

nico- Nothing's changed. I'm the same ol' wannabe luddite who pretends to hate cell phones. It's jsut that I still have no home, and yet need to respond to all of the employers pounding at my non-existent door... I know, excuses, excuses...

smalllittlefirestarter- C'mon, I would never jump country without paying off my debts. If anything, you still own me for a few chess game defeats :)