Saturday, September 02, 2006

Inventory of Justin Kayes

Some subversive criminal geniuses can last years in their chosen professions without ever being caught. Like Dommer, for instance. Or Frank Abagnale Jr. … Or, if you’re a fan of over-sized shoes and balloon-nose make-up: John Wayne Gacy.

But not me.

I got busted today.

And, no…, (before you start entertaining romantic thoughts of necrophilia under star-studded canopies… or cannibalism with sides of ketchup)…

I am NOT a psychopathically deviant criminal, practicing violent voodoo rituals under deity-blessed barbeques.
Nor, am I a cunning, computer-savvy embezzler, a fraudulent document-twister or even a clever advertising-abuser.

And I certainly would never wear a clown costume out for a good night of rape-ery!

Except, of course, if I could paint my own toe nails…

… preferably, autumn woodpecker orange with lightning bolts of pre-pubescent passion fruit yellow…

No, really, though…

I got caught today while committing the most juvenile of social crimes.

Yes, it was a publicly heinous act. Yes, it was second-glance deservingly disturbing. And, yes, it was the grandma-gossip-grabber your nosy neighbor wishes for:

I was crouched in one of the back seats of the 49 bus headed for work on Capitol Hill, doing the unthinkable at 8am:

I was applying deodorant.
(to its appropriate destinations, mind you.)

And, yes, it was my second offense. And, yes I should have been more candid. But, my winged platypus!, doesn’t everyone deserve to skip a step in their morning ablutions process 2 days in a row at least once every few years?!

In any case…, if you are wondering what criminal repercussions targeted me after being visually apprehended for 5 seconds in the bus driver’s rear view mirror: well.., none.

And, if you are wondering why I felt inclined to tell this asinine story after such a long blogging absence: well…, I’m not sure there is any of that either.

And why I happened to have an extra stick of shower-fresh, armpit massage oil in my backpack?: well…, it’s probably the same reason I have a headlamp, two (I counted them) breath-mints, 14 different black pens, a colony of crushed staples, an inoperable minidisk and two unreadable books in my backpack:

Just in case.

'Cuz, well, you never know...


The Ingrown Hare said...

I'm ashamed to know you...WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?!

You sound like Karr, innocent but convinced you're guilty of some crime...see a shrink for cryin' out loud!!!

Nico said...

Ah, you're back!! Rejoicing takes place in the streets of Niimi, late into the afternoon (Hey, c'mon, this is the inaka after all), accompanied by balloon animal makers, fireworks that only kind of fire, sake sipping and stumbling, and head-bonking for good luck dragons!!

Glad to hear you are still in the habit of maintaining your personal toilette to the high standards I once knew. Does the coffee-imbibing dancing-fish-market-smelling baseball-bananas city by the sound have a Capital Hill, or are you off on the East Coast subvverting Big Government in your own inimitable way?

Cap'n Rich said...

Hmmm, well...., a girl can't be too careful I suppose. Maybe you should re-count your headlamps just in case you were seeing double at the last inventory. I think that is a distinct possibility.

How about more details of your hilarious adventures. I would like to know how you get in such situations.

Funny as hell :).

GreatBeefalo said...

Good call. Deodorant is good no matter where you put it (on). You should start offering it to people around you if they need it. "You want in on this sweet action?"

Frustrated Writer said...

At least you didn't wipe it down your tongue and say, "Wow, minty fresh and it keeps my mouth dry too!" That might've freaked the busdriver out. Two head lamps? really? Wow, you are ready for anything that should come your way.

Good to have you back!

dingobear said...

-c, haha!

In related news, I think it's a tragedy that you carry your headlamp in your backpack instead of where it's intended - on your head. If you did that, I bet it would liven up the 49 bus ride even more than your adventures with deodorant.

-c said...

ingrown hare- It's true: I secretly wish I had a few hardcore, criminal notches on my belt..., just to impress the hot foxes of the forest, y'know...

nico- b)subverting Big Government. Yeah, I'll go with that one. Happy inaka partying to you!

cap'n rich- I fear details might reveal the mundanity of my adventures. But, no, I really do have two flashlights for the head in my pack!

greatbeefalo- ha ha! "And, how about rubbing some of this stimulating dental floss between your teeth, baby?"

frustrated- I think you're on to something: pit-freshening popsicles- tasty, and guaranteed to scare passengers around you, or your money back!

dingobear- Yeah, I often cruise the neighborhoods at night with my headlight on, stopping to read or write at arbitrary corners. I'm sure the neighbors think I'm a thief, plotting my entrance through the air ducts... Can't imagine what the busriders would think...