Sunday, October 01, 2006

And then, Nanobot created Cover Letters

So, you're sitting on the deck, inhaling sun, slurpin' down heat for the winter, imagining the day when nanobots rule your body and autonomously administer nutrients and anecdotal stories via wireless networking systems…

What do you think you’re doing?!

You’re supposed to be critiquing and perfecting your students’ internship cover letters!

(…granted, this is slightly hilarious, considering that the cover letter that won you your current position reads like a bumbling Hunter S, Thompson correspondence penned under bath-water bubbles…)

But, really, what are you doing?? Who do you think you are, relaxing on a Sunday afternoon, reading Ray Kurzweil’s recently published book, imagining a future of technologically progressive humans who defy current, biologically-defined needs…??

…when, CLEARLY, there are more pressing matters at hand, such as the reworking of cover letter sentences like:

“I developed up-to-the-minute capabilities of helping foreign people in customers with individual hard work and motivation as if they was Japanese speakers.”

And:

“My enthusiastic try my best motivation is my most high motivation and important to me.”

It’s obvious you have to get it together!! Get off the Sunday sunlight kick, away from the speculative scientific reads, and back to the cover letters!

So, get to it! Stop reading and sun-bathing! Get to writing a brilliant cover letter!

Ok…fine….:

Dear Sirs,

I’m writing in regards to the internships available at you hotel. I think my experience in customer service, English language ability and my love of pleasing others in a multitude of ways will prove to be great contributions to your company.
I’ve served many a foreign guest, in the most needy of times. I can adapt to unique customer desires and am willing to serve your clients in whatever unconventional areas they propose.
I believe the skills mentioned above prove that I would be a great asset to your business. Please contact me to discuss how I can further please you.
Sincerely,
Eager Intern Applicant with big-mouth Smile

So…, how about that for a friendly, functional cover letter?

Can I go back to reading science-fiction-echoing, techno, bio-chemical-based predictions of the human race now...?

10 comments:

dingobear said...

Haha! Wow, I guess there's ESL and then there's ESL. With cover letters like that, I'm guessing your prospective interns will have no trouble finding "work."

Cap'n Rich said...

Ho,ho, ho.

Now that's an effective cover letter; also it should go far in improving international relations. :)

Cap'n Rich said...

Actual letter received by Cap'n Rich :)

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely.

Thank you in advanse fore yore anser....hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.

ENCLOSED HERE WAS A PICTURE OF A WOMAN WITH AMAZING HOOTERS.

MY response to her:

That's ok, Honey! We have spell check!

Philbrick said...

Both examples, of course, could land a young lady a job with a congressman.

ted said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ted said...

Ummm, was there a phone number with that letter, C? My unconventional areas haven't been served in far too long.

Frustrated Writer said...

man I love a great butchering of the English language! That is why I live in the South...

kyokoshell said...

oh, man! im applying for jobs and i just wrote a cover letter that i THOUGHT was great...until i read those. maybe your students can help me.

when are you going to email me your phone number??? i want to see you the next time i pop up to seattle

kingfelix said...

For English mangling, Guatemala rocks. My current favourite, from an upscale hotel's pamphlet, "International cuisine with a personal touch, traditional receipts jazzed up with modern concepts."

-c said...

dingobear- hehe! Yeah, prospective interns are doing great, and I can only assume it's because of my lack of intervention:)

cap'n- I hope the new 'secritary' worked out!She sounds lovely!

philbrick- I've long suspected these were the formats for a congressman's intern I should recommmend. I just wasn't sure what brand of perfume to suggest applying to the resume...

ted- I can't imagine that is the case, as you are far closer to the source... but should you come to the pacific northwest one day, needing friendly directions...:)Only joking- I ain't no pimp.

frustrated- if your linguistic butchery is representative of the south, count me in!

kyokoshell- can't wait til you 'pop' up! We all could use a new cover letter-writer around here!

pinhut- I've been looking for ways to jazz up my spaghetti with a pinch of modern concepts! I've found they're hard to come by though...?