Monday, March 12, 2007

Undercover Trans-Slacktions

You are smart. You are beautiful. You have two dozen False Claim Convictions duct-taped to the bottoms of your belt notches. You have half a bullet and a full piece of Altoid Box shrapnel in your left nostril from the last time you dove in front of a crippled puppy to save its life.

You are an undercover, Craigslist Intelligence Agent, on the job.

Your mission today is to pick up a package from one of the most dangerous of Craigslist Posters: Melissa “Yeah, sounds Perfecto” Flake.

She is known for having never shown up to at least three parties she told her friends she would, and for having “forgotten” to call her best friend back, even though it was a “911/ like, super urgent” crisis.

She is armed and scandalous. Beware of her transparent attempts at cunning excuses, and of her cocked, pistolic voice-messaging ploy.

Meet her at the Issaquah Albertsons, 10 a.m.

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What?! She never showed up? She didn’t bring you the crappy cell phone you were going to give her cash for? She didn’t even call? You must have blown your Flake-Busting cover! What Kind of a Craigslist Intelligence Agent do you call yourself?!

Despite your failure, we here at the CIA think your proven, social, Convict-Flake-exposing skills still warrant you one more chance.

His name is Josh “uses lots of LOLs in Craigslist transactions” Stoner.

He will meet you in front of Walmart at 11:30 a.m. with a scratched old cell phone and a charger.

Be cautious—any wrong move could trigger a bong circle and potentially dangerous Poetry Slam in Walmart’s car maintenance aisle.

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What?! He showed up? What? He provided the goods promised in between LOLs?! What? The transaction went smoothly?! What? There was no bong session on corporate tricycles?!! He must have been on to you!

You’re fired!

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Note from –c:
Yes, after many a harrowing email correspondence, and one wasted drive, I managed to replace my expired cell phone without having to deal with redtape-trained teenagers at Verizon. Yippee!!! Now, if I could only get the CIA off my ass…
Apparently, I'm not doing my job.

*Picture again, courtesy of Mr. E

10 comments:

dingobear said...

Heehee, congratulations on your new cell phone! You're a stellar spy, but honestly I'm becoming confused ... just who are you working for now?

You use the term "bong circle" as if it were a bad thing. Haha, no, I'm just kidding. I'm not into that kind of thing ... anymore.

:-)

Anonymous said...

Your job is secure with us. Once you are in; you are in for life.

Your next mission, should you choose to accept it, is to infiltrate the EBay organization and expose the Britney Poster codes being passed atop her head.

Good luck to you and Up The Creek.

You will be contacted, when it's time, by the special cell phone that we arranged to place in your trust.

Do not push the button marked DO NOT PUSH...

-c said...

dingobear- Yeah, I like my new phone! Spiffy as yesterday's spring water! And, yeah, I'm working for the Craigslist Intelligence Agency these days. Want a job?
Also, I didn't mean to infer any condemnation towards the bong circle! In fact, my reference to toking up on Walmart's corportate tricycles may, or may not, have been influenced by past experience:)

anonymous- Hey, no one said anything about being in for life. I think "until death" was the clause I signed... anyway, I might put my coaster atop Britneys's head and... oh no!! don't push WHICH button?

dingobear said...

"Spiffy as yesterday's spring water" ... heeheehe ...

And yes, I may be interested in a job. Please call my agent.

Frustrated Writer said...

Glad you are now armed with technology's boner, the cell phone. Excellent, -c, excellent!

Omar Cruz said...

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Cap'n Rich said...

Heh, heh. Your bong must smell too strong. Where have you gone wrong? I know! Just contact your local headshop. Thanks -c for the cheers but i'll stick with De Beers. Or de moonshine. Whatever.

L said...

I love the sometimes surreal beauty of your blog :)

frustratedwriter said...

What the hell? How long are you going to tortue us by making us wait for another post? Sigh.

-c said...

omar cruz- Yeah, you're stuff is really "good written" too!

cap'n rich- do you ever share the moonshine, or is it for personal-use-only?

l- cheers! And you crack me up. Keep posting!

frustrated- Sorry, I was super busy and then had to make an emergency run down to LA for a family surgery. I'll try to start posting regularly again, though :)