Sunday, May 27, 2007

Creationist Disneyland

I love travel almost as much as I love absurd nonsequiturs, bouncy balls that come to life when parents leave the house, cat-sized African rats in Florida and gay flamingos.

So, it should come as no surprise that I spend unhealthy amounts of otherwise potentially productive time researching where I will take my next trip. Usually, my imaginary adventures take me to exotic and enticing international locations that boast an equal amount of cultural wazoo and natural, jaw-dropping zenaliciousness.

(yes, I just used the word 'zenaliciousness' and, no, it isn't a real word.)

This time, however, my dream destination has been decided, and it is not the megaliths of Malta or the tourism-free island of Tokelau. I have decided that I desperately want to visit

…drumrole and gentle gong hits…:

Petersburg, Kentucky.

Why would I want to visit this flat, uninteresting stitch of Middle America?

The answer: To visit the 60,000 sq/ft, $27 million Creation Museum that opens tomorrow, May 28th.

Not only is it a Museum that teaches the Truth (namely that the Earth is 6000 years old rather than 4.5 billion and that humans were lucky enough to have been created on the same day as dinosaurs and, thus, chill together in the Garden), but it also has some wicked cool special effects and some pretty intense attractions and exhibits worthy of any good amusement park/ museum.

For example, if you’ve ever wanted to see a live poison dart frog, visit with an animatronic dinosaur created by the Universal Studios designer of JAWS and KING KONG, recline comfortably in a planetarium as you come to understand why there was an all-mighty Creator and not an illogical BANG..., then you should look no further!

You can also ride the surround-sound video biblical history Adventure and experience why making seemingly irrational assumptions before analyzing fossils is logically necessary, see how the Grand Canyon was formed in mere days, as well as be delightfully sprayed with water as you learn about the Flood that wiped out everything but Noah’s Ark!

I’m especially looking forward to seeing my sincere literary appreciation of the Book of Genesis put to shame as I come to see that this intriguing story is, in fact, not allegorical, but instead backed up by scientific proof.

During my trip to Kentucky (which, I admit, is fantastically created in my own head), I will also have a Press-Pass badge that reads:

“-c, Super-respected, Open-minded Member of Compassionate Journalists International”

And, with this imaginary badge, I will immediately command attention. I will chat with the mechanical version of a stegosaur baby (whose tracks we just found). I will also gain an exclusive interview with Ken Ham, the creator of this spectacular museum. I will ask him how they got the animatronic dinosaurs to look so unsurprised when they saw human children giggling beside the waterfall, and what feats of technology enabled the museum to get the audience seats to shake when the Flood came.

If we establish a good rapport, I might also guide him to conclude with one of his favorite quotes from his father: “If you don’t believe in Genesis, then the whole rest of the Bible falls.”

I, of course, will also get to hold the poison dart frogs in my hand.

And name them Iggy, Stan and Leviticus.

*Editor's Update: As sarcastically decided as I may seem in my own opinions, I vampirically crave the opinions of others also so that I can continue to reevaluate. What do you think about this new museum?


dingobear said...

c-, I surfed around the website of the Creation Museum and I didn't see mention of the Great Platypus anywhere. What kind of Church do these Creationists belong to, anyway?

Although I wasn't around 5000 years ago, I'm pretty certain that a Stegosaurus baby would've made a delicious delicacy. Mmmm, Stegosaur.

-c said...

I was astounded to find the same; that the Great Platypus gets left out of everything. Fortunately, the Grreat Platypus inspires such faith that any critic can be trumped.

According to my sources 5000 years ago, Stegosauras was indeed a delicacy... and tasted much like tender chicken. It was served best over a barbeque grill (the fact that fire hadn't yet been discovered made it even crispier).It was also rather pricy due to its rarity.

Mmmm, man, I'm feeling quite hungry now... Know where I could find any good stegosaur sold by the ounce?

dingobear said...

I think perhaps the Great Platypus deserves its own dedicated museum, you know, so that all of those other WRONG religions know what's what. Tell you what, I'll start searching for a new holy site upon which The Museum may be built. Amen!

Do you think Moses used steak or poultry seasoning when barbecuing his Stegosaur? I don't see that answered in the Old Testament anywhere. Maybe the Creation Museum could answer that question?

Cap'n Rich said...

-c, as one who actually lived 5000 years ago, I think I am correct in saying that Stegosaurus is for sale currently at KFC for only a dollar a swallow. Try those giant livers for an additional treat.

frustrated writer said...

I think you are missing the point of the museum, my fine platypusian friend. It isn't about big bang or 6,000 years of existence, it is all about whether or not tele-evangelists were evolved from stegasaurian dung or from some obscure primordial scum sucking ooze. The museum will tell you they were created on the eighth day, when The Great Platypus tossed the scraps into the dust bin...

dingobear said...

Frustrated: Amen, Brother.

scotts said...

bretheren! sisteren! childrenen! (goddam germanic roots of our bastard language)....

know ye not the truth? see ye not the errors of thy ways?
on the sixth day, god created man and woman. they went forth and multiplied, having two sons. who subsequently went forth and multiplied with, well, whom, exactly?

there was, by the bible's own admission, only one woman in the whole garden....

leading us to only one real

and, thus, kentucky was born.

-c said...

dingobear- Find the holy site, and the people will follow! (And, I assure you, they will bring adequate seasoning for their broiled stegosaur.

cap'n- I thought I saw you about 4250 yrs ago... I just couldn't believe you were boycotting the best Stegosaurus grill at the time! Do you have shares in KFC?

frustrated- You have been reading the scriptures!!:) Especially the chapter: "From which did they come? Scum or Ooze?" The Great Platypus sees a leader within you!!:) I echo Dingobear's comment: Amen!

scotts- Adam lived about 930 years and had a bunch of kids (male and female) during that time (some of which-who knows- may have been born before Seth and in the time of Cain). Can we really fault these innnocents (born, by default, with genes of "perfect" parents) for being horny when getting with their brothers and sisters sexually wasn't even a sin until Leviticus 18.9?

Aww...hell..., I'm off to check out plane flights to Kentucky.

frustrated writer said...

According to Matthew, there was a lot of begatting going on so there is no wonder that Seth and Cain were accomplished begatters and probably begatted so much that some of their family finally said, "enough with the begatting already, let's play a little music" which led Jubal Cain, a fan of the early percussion band, Cain and the Head Bashers, to invent the lyre. His brother Tubal Cain, invented an accessory device for the newfound musicians called Righteous Weed, which not only inspired music, it increased appetites, raised cholesterol, shortened lifespans, and yes, it also slowed down all of that begatting.