I love travel almost as much as I love absurd nonsequiturs, bouncy balls that come to life when parents leave the house, cat-sized African rats in Florida and gay flamingos.
So, it should come as no surprise that I spend unhealthy amounts of otherwise potentially productive time researching where I will take my next trip. Usually, my imaginary adventures take me to exotic and enticing international locations that boast an equal amount of cultural wazoo and natural, jaw-dropping zenaliciousness.
(yes, I just used the word 'zenaliciousness' and, no, it isn't a real word.)
This time, however, my dream destination has been decided, and it is not the megaliths of Malta or the tourism-free island of Tokelau. I have decided that I desperately want to visit
…drumrole and gentle gong hits…:
Why would I want to visit this flat, uninteresting stitch of Middle America?
The answer: To visit the 60,000 sq/ft, $27 million Creation Museum that opens tomorrow, May 28th.
Not only is it a Museum that teaches the Truth (namely that the Earth is 6000 years old rather than 4.5 billion and that humans were lucky enough to have been created on the same day as dinosaurs and, thus, chill together in the Garden), but it also has some wicked cool special effects and some pretty intense attractions and exhibits worthy of any good amusement park/ museum.
For example, if you’ve ever wanted to see a live poison dart frog, visit with an animatronic dinosaur created by the Universal Studios designer of JAWS and KING KONG, recline comfortably in a planetarium as you come to understand why there was an all-mighty Creator and not an illogical BANG..., then you should look no further!
You can also ride the surround-sound video biblical history Adventure and experience why making seemingly irrational assumptions before analyzing fossils is logically necessary, see how the Grand Canyon was formed in mere days, as well as be delightfully sprayed with water as you learn about the Flood that wiped out everything but Noah’s Ark!
I’m especially looking forward to seeing my sincere literary appreciation of the Book of Genesis put to shame as I come to see that this intriguing story is, in fact, not allegorical, but instead backed up by scientific proof.
During my trip to Kentucky (which, I admit, is fantastically created in my own head), I will also have a Press-Pass badge that reads:
“-c, Super-respected, Open-minded Member of Compassionate Journalists International”
And, with this imaginary badge, I will immediately command attention. I will chat with the mechanical version of a stegosaur baby (whose tracks we just found). I will also gain an exclusive interview with Ken Ham, the creator of this spectacular museum. I will ask him how they got the animatronic dinosaurs to look so unsurprised when they saw human children giggling beside the waterfall, and what feats of technology enabled the museum to get the audience seats to shake when the Flood came.
If we establish a good rapport, I might also guide him to conclude with one of his favorite quotes from his father: “If you don’t believe in Genesis, then the whole rest of the Bible falls.”
I, of course, will also get to hold the poison dart frogs in my hand.
And name them Iggy, Stan and Leviticus.
*Editor's Update: As sarcastically decided as I may seem in my own opinions, I vampirically crave the opinions of others also so that I can continue to reevaluate. What do you think about this new museum?