Saturday, June 02, 2007

I’m a “Flam Hag”

(slightly different from the colloquial “Fag Hag”)

As I stated in my last post, I like gay flamingos.

Yes, The Gay Flamingo (or The Flaming Fuchsia Phoenicopterus, as it is known by genus tossers), is perhaps one of the most delightful of dinner party topics (or guests, for that matter).

It has a long, sexy neck capable of various acts of sensual dexterity, lovely webbed feet (which we all know were sculpted in the image of the Almighty Platypus), and a downwardly-bent bill which differentiates it from The Homo Heron or The Sissy Stork (who are both far inferior cocktail party conversation catchers).

The Flaming Pink Flamingo is most often recognized by the fact that it stands on one leg.
Although some scientists attribute this to an attempt to conserve body heat/energy and to keep its legs from getting wet, I think we can clearly say that this is a seductive ploy on the part of the hetero-heathen flamingo to entice other flaming companions.

I mean, don’t humans employ this same tactic when trying to lure a mate? Don’t women often drape partially-revealing clothing over their voluptuous bosoms to inspire in their pursuers a desire for the mysterious and unattainable? Don’t men (when hoping to cunt-spelunk) sometimes quote dead philosophers/poets and learn to play “Blackbird” on the guitar, hoping to ignite intrigue and mystery about their deep thoughtfulness and sensitivity (and, thus, SEX appeal)?

In this same way, I believe the Flaming Flamingo hides his leg in order to fertilize the curiousity of his potential wing-slappers.

Anyway..., that's it.... I think The Flaming Flamingo (along with its hetero cohorts) is pretty feather-flappin' special.

Afterall..., if he can filter out mud and silt from his diet using the lamellae which line his mandibles....,

just what ELSE can this exquisite pink prince do with his hairy tongue?

*For info about this spectacular creature, please contact a qualified biologist, ornithologist or flamingologist to do a Google search for you.

Otherwise here are a few extremely random articles about homosexuality among flamingos:
Gay flamingos pick up chick
Flamingos strike long-term relationship
Gay flamingos Celebrate fifth Anniversary with their Children
Homosexual Activity Among Animals Stirs Debate


Cap'n Rich said...


This is a bit more than I ever wished to think about regarding flamingos' sexual quirks.

Oh well, live and learn.

dingobear said...

-c, a well-written and thoughtful account of the gay critters of our wild animal kingdom. But am I wrong in pointing out that homosexuality among animals is old news? What I would like to see: a post on flamingo threesomes. Now that would be both cutting edge and HOT.

Because in my opinion, the more the merrier!

(Oh no, I've said too much!)


-c said...

Cap'n- what you call quirks, I call qualities. Sorry for exposing you to more than you'd ever want to think about regarding graceful birds. You're just lucky I didn't get into fruit bat love-making. Now, THAT's when the true quirkiness comes in. Not to mension kinkiness..

dingobear- Well, while you are waiting for my upcoming book about Orangutang Orgies, I look forward to a follow-up to your article on Global Warming and polar bears. If I may, I'd like to suggest the title: "Polygomy, Polar Bears and Poly-amorous Petting" :)

Cap'n Rich said...


Now that I've thought about it I guess I did want to know about it.

At first I didn't want to admit that they turn me on because my cat might get jealous if she found out that I was for the birds. Now the world knows and I have nothing left to hide except my gnawing and curious desire to hang upside down at bedtime.

Thanks! :)

dingobear said...

Yeah, who would've thunk that polar bears could be so dirty? I'm going shock the world with my sequel article, -c!

Re: your much anticipated book on Orangutan Orgies ... dare I ask, will there be pictures?

(Oh no, I've said too much!)

frustrated writer said...

Damnit! I'm supposed to be learning to play "Blackbird" on the guitar and not the banjo? Well that explains a lot...

As for hairy tongues, I bet they're overrated...

-c said...

cap'n- should you require any pointers on the acrobatics involved in hanging upside down from your rafters, I know do know a few experts...

dingobear- The publishers of 'Orangutan Orgies'are currently looking for a photographer. Interested?

frustrated writer- You've obviously never experienced the hairy tongue first hand. Are you playing with a five-string banjo? Perhaps you should try the six-string...:)

frustrated writer said...

Ha! Six string banjos are called guijos or banjatars and are played like a guitar (or so the guy who I actually saw play one said...) I just play at (that would be I pick out a song or two demonstrating my exceptional lack of talent) a standard five string making the life of all neighborhood cats totally miserable.

dingobear said...

Yes, -c, I'm interested. VERY INTERESTED.

(Oh no, I've said too much!)