Monday, October 03, 2005

"Bad Squirrel!"

There's something both wonderful and disturbing about the blurring of Identity I'm feeling now back in the states.
While living in Japan, I abhorred being boxed into the Gaijin (foreigner) Label; being identified as a blue-eyed wonder with questionable chopstick-maneuverability skills and a dislike for natto (fermented beans that look and smell like they are bathed in cum).
But, now, I actually kind of miss it.
I miss having a foreign foothold to call my own.
I miss having a crew of backbreaking reinforcers to beat on drums, strum strings in the street and spout infantile potty poetry into Piman's, pens and publications.
I miss having a valid I.D. to hold in my hand over a clever, semi-flippant joke.
Ok, so I admit it.
I miss being a baboon.

Maybe, it's because every local in the neighborhood I grew up in now mistakes me for a European tourist.
Maybe it's because at every anti-war rally I've attended, I get odd looks when I say that I didn't come with any "organization"... I don't know. But, I know I have to do something...

So, I've decided that, in order to give myself a box to fit into and a pretty flag to bear, I have to identify the flag I do NOT bear.
And, because the bees are no longer causing me angst, I think I'll pass the torch to the Squirrels. Yup... that's right:
The Squirrels.
These militant foes have been perpetuating evil and plotting pernicious plans in my mom's yard for years. In fact, just last week they dropped four, unripe, green oranges on my head while I was innocently reading!
My reliable sources have also informed me that these subversive rodent scoundrels have been stealing our walnuts, and engaging in repeated Squirrel rights atrocities.
Yup, that's right... AND, it's no secret that they have potentially fatal supplies of Walnuts of Mild Destruction hidden around the garage and mulberry tree...

It's time to take action! ... time to show these buck-toothed beasts of Badness what flag I carry!

Ok... I feel better now. Not only do I have to play the baboon in Japan, but I can wear the suit in my own country also! What a relief...

Now... back to the issue at hand... scrapping squirrel civil liberties...

5 comments:

frustratedwriter said...

I have found you can extinquish a squirrel's civil liberties with the squeeze of the trigger on a pellet rifle... and they make a dandy stew too... looking nothing like beans fermenting in semen.

The Ingrown Hare said...

"Walnuts of mild destruction"...HA...no, seriously HAHAHA...LOL! I can't remember the last post I enjoyed reading quite as much as this one...HOLY SHIT YOU'RE GOOD!!!!

(BTW, in spite of my known sarcasm I really meant what I just wrote (in case you thought I didn't))

AliceBabylon said...

Plese tell me you didn't actually eat the natto?
It is my singular goal, to leave Japan, without having consumed that..... that, stuff.

-c said...

frustrated- mmm...squirrel stew. How about Squirrel-on-a-stick? We could sell them alongside the frozen corndogs.

ingrown hare- thanks! But, this wasn't one of my favorit posts.

Alice- I hate to say it, but I actually like natto. I used to eat it for breakfast... but it definitely doesn't smell pleasant...

Hinata said...

lol i love your little speach about the squirrels it was memeriseing i couldn't take my eyes off it. it is so funny too.