Monday, January 23, 2006

To free tree or not to free tree...

***
Hi. My name's Stanley, and I'm a virile, young fig tree off-shoot.
I'm not sure why this crazy woman is currently wielding a chainsaw psychopathically near my throat.
All I've ever done is try to grow towards the sunlight, convert carbon dioxide to useable energy, sugars and oxygen, fertilize the soil beneath me with my leaves, provide a combative home for insects offering both pollination and disintigration, and give a few tasty bits of sweet fruit while hoping, to one day, have a family of my own...
I know that my mother, the main fig tree, will survive without me but...
I just don't understand why these humans (especially this out-of-countrol, bandanna-mummified chainsaw murderess) have to chop necks so thoughtlessly.
***

Hi. My name's -c, and I wear a bandanna. I'm a young, healthy, chainsaw-wielding environmentalist. I strive to protect all species of flora that aid in the perpetuation of unique natural habitats providing home to otherwise endangered ecosystems, and I don't want to have to cut any throats.
BUT, this feisty little fig tree-wanna-be off-shoot has cuddled with, and seductively entwined himself around, a few dead oleander bushes and an orange tree who has passed on. Now, I am no murderess, but I just can't give a proper burial to these late Heroes of Vegetation (let alone chop up any new firewood) without taking the life of cute little off-shoot Stanley...
***

We need your vote now!
Vote:

a) for letting poor Stanley live because he's such a good, prolific off-spring with nothing but an amazing future of fig-production and vegetative expansion before him!

or

b) for authorizing the massacre of a small limb so that fire hazardous, dead debris can be cleared from the peripheries of family residences and, in turn, allow for new birth of aspiring young shoots.

6 comments:

Dunzo said...

I say kill it! You already have a fig tree and this aspiring offspring only makes friends with the dead and withering. Let him join his kind is what I say. Make room for the living boy(!) there's a murderess on the prowl.

The Ingrown Hare said...

Don't kill the aspiring fig tree! Figs are good and although you already have a bigger momma one, this one will produce too!
Just remember that the shrubbery this little aspiring fig has snagged offers a little money saving shade to your house.

You'd better check yourself before you wreck yourself because chain saw wielding murderesses are bad for your health.

dingobear said...

Mmmmm, that's quite a dilemma you have there. Although harsh, I vote for (b) since, in death, poor Stanley will ultimately save others, figs or otherwise. He will be revered as a martyr and forever known as St. Stanley, patron saint of the bandanna-mummified chainsaw murderesses. What a way to go out!

Nicole said...

Well familiar with your secret tendencies towards the violent side, I figure poor Stanley has got to go. Never stood a chace, poor little bugger.

However, if you are feeling ambitious, you could prune it (trees / shrubs can handle some pretty brutal hacking away), dig up the root ball (cutting away some if need be), and replant it in a new happy, fire hazard-free zone...

frustratedwriter said...

I vote c - napalming Stanley and the heroes of old so they can go out in a death worthy of the Vikings.

Okay b then, sheesh... no one lets me play with fire any more. Oh well, my experience with fig trees you can cut ol' Stanley to the ground and he will be back in full glory by the summer. You can't kill the basta... uh, the virile spawn of Satan off... which is good as the figs are quite tasty.

-c said...

It's terribly deceptive and dishonest of me, but poor Stanley off-shoot had already been hacked to oblivion before I published this post...
If only I'd had frustrated writer's ingenious idea of utilizing napalm, the story could have been even better!